differential growth shuffle
update August 2008: so when is a relationship negative or codependent? What is a positive, progressive relationship? A co-dependent relationship is one where destructive patterns repeat themselves with no progress, where one or both parties seek to dominate the other. We’ve talked about how we’re seemingly attracted to these qualities in each other: where I tend to be the planner and you tend to like direction.
Though it’s slow going at times in that we’ve seen a lot of repetition of conflict types, I think there is marked progress. The main thing that still draws my attention is how you seem to gravitate toward wanting me to sometimes assist you in choosing directions. I mean you’re obviously a very willful and conscious person in many regards. I sometimes feel that when conflict arises and I’m pushed to take charge, that it’s as though you’re temporarily handing me some of your reigns as you sort through your respective workings. And that is alright. I feel like I’m a trustworthy person and know I take these up only when offered, but it is close quarters sometimes helping each other this way. And of course the opposite is true, when I’m bogged down processing emotional stuff you can intuit that level and take over some direction making for me.
Bluntly, what’s between you and me is between you and me, though the systems of control had thrown a wrench into the works. I mean being under attack and processing that made me quicker to stress/fear/anger reactions. I take responsibility for that, but as we’ve discussed, there is a clear distinction between healthy responsibility, and taking on the weight of the world, in that my striving to take criticism in and process it, has been the weakness through which the systems of control have made me doubt myself. Doubting myself along with stressing out made me *not* an asset to our relationship. So fuck the nay sayers, none of those people btw who have had such opinions have had lasting meaningful relationships to speak of, and really don’t know their heads from their asses when it comes to deeper processing of respective stuff that goes on in longer term relationships where growth and freedom is the motive.
We all have control issues, whether from the left, right, front or back side of the issue, that we are working on. The difference between me and those who would control and seek to damage the wellbeing and freedom of another, is just that, I’m working on mine, I’m not spending vast amounts of energy trying to tear another person down. While I may be quite explicit in my processing, I genuinely want to encourage/support you or any other friend to do the same. The difference between me and those less-developed damage seekers is that I’ve never intentionally, willfully sought to harm anyone. Psychic rapists one and all, they were, and I’m sorry for the overflow into our relationship.
Just wanted to update this thread, ponder it some more rather than delete it, since the neg developments got done developing. Thanks for having weathered it with me. On to forward things.
[end update]
[snippet from orig post, deeper in the then]
not saying one or the other of us is growing ‘faster’ or better in any way, that seems clear, as the possibility that our individual cycles may lead us to grow in changing directions –in ways that require us to rethink the other without clutching for pictures of the past, respectively, is the only way it works i think.
so i’m not talking about ending it all (you and me) or anything dramatic when i say i can’t stand it anymore or something has to change. the difference? well, the difference in my mind is that you’re my best friend and i want to be supportive. these i don’t see changing except perhaps if we let bouts of imbalance to go uninvestigated/resolved t othe point that we hate each other’s guts or something. i love you but you’re driving me crazy.
i don’t know where the train jumped the tracks and people go through their own ups and downs so maybe it has more to do with me and mine than growing dissatisfaction with our current relationship. and i don’t mean to sound like this has been building up for some time, because that’s not the case; i just want to take a breath and step outside some of the cyclical patterns that are driving me insane –probably you too.
When i try to stay resiliently calm ;P and not be triggered by actions of yours, it’s like… you go out of your way to trigger the pattern. Any attempt to ignore it brings more. any attempt to confront it brings words with no follow through. what other option do i have except to disentangle a bit and not worry about connecting on those areas/topics?
It’s frustrating to feel like I’m at least trying to analyze and make the issue better. I’m not interested in changing people, at the same time any group needs a set of guidelines of interaction which changes over time to adapt to the needs of the members. My trying to lay down a few guidelines for what kinds of interaction I like or do well with and those I do not –any offering of opinions from me, really– is just an invitation for you to share yours. I’m not trying to dominate anything.
What this recent expanding angst and frustration tells me is that whether or not you’re intentionally trying to annoy me I have let the whole ball of stuff stress me out too much. Currently I’ve become hypersensitive and need to take a break from the usual interactions. But you’re like my best friend so it’s tough trying to split up which activities are safely shared and which aren’t.. I mean so it comes back to just giving up on… giving up on trying to be understood in some ways I thought you wanted to have an understanding about. because it makes us both feel like shit to keep repeating the bits that aren’t working.
If I don’t feel heard because I’m constantly repeating and explaining things I don’t know any other way to move forward other than withdrawing entanglement from some certain areas –indirectly, by finding others with whom to connect about those areas.
So like you say you want to understand and look all hurt when you don’t, or when i get frustrated about this ‘dedication’ (just not sure what to call it) at times, i’m not rejecting your application for ongoing ‘priority friend’ status or whtvr, but I’m frustrated and expressing frustration over… over your ability to accept ANYTHING i say or do, to make sure i feel ‘loved’ but can not track information for shit. which brings us to a major thread of my current unease. –ahh, you CAN though, and this conceptual sharing is one of the things i lvoe about our relationship, so what’s the deal? why can you not tell me if you have a different opinion or if your’e not interested. i find it hard to believe that i’m so uniquely ‘correct and relevant’ (again, unsure of words to use).
How can a person get mad at another person for being too caring, too accepting, too fuckin perfectly agreeable in every way?
It’s sort of unsettling to always have “good idea”s and for my opinions to win out if any conflict seems to be arising, but it’s plainly uncomfortable to have to push and pull opinions, perspectives out of you. Don’t get me wrong, you’re quite wise and have been the right person with the right (novel, calming, true) words. But when it comes to sharing knowledge or opinion based on personal experience, you clam up or as soon as i question your statement –usually just because i’m trying to get a clearer picture, not because i’m ready to SHUT-YOU-DOWN like you seem so quick to assume. it’s hard to feel like we’re equals interacting when i breaks down this way. Maybe we need to focus on only the things we’d bother to meet up about if we were friends that lived across town, or down the street- whtvr- from each other.
[SNIP]