don’t thank me, thank the kaballah
so there’s this chapter of GnosisII I left off at teh beginning of, though what a cliff hanger [paraphrased]: the universe/whole as a living organism. what then of nutrition. the Whole cannot find nutrition outside itself, only within itself. feed the holy jaws n that.
um, developments of material itself aside, Chad and I have been commenting on this pattern of diverging convergence or some such – as we see it in action. Tonight we were talking about the notion of developing a real I, and how development of the Personality is a part of the growth before something like conscious consciousness emerges. reminded me when i was 14 or so and going on about like deconstruction. i wanted to strip away everything and start from scratch. and S responded that one had to build an ego before one could tear it down. seemed irrelevant at the time -and I see now how there was truth, and how the seeming irrelevance indicates my nature of holding out against personality, but then having to build a lot and sort a lot –all at the same time. re early deconstruction themes: part of the urge, step from one to to the other (mechanical consciousness for gathering data, to deliberate consciousness for creating something, some Self from it all), i suppose. so anyway, we were sharing some perspectives on such things. Ch talked about the kaballah book he’s reading, about the channel of source down through this and that center, then it comes back out again. at first i didn’t see how it connected with what he’d first said in trying to get this picture across to me, which first came across to me as: so, the ‘real i’ is like a light we turn toward? i said i think ‘intentional’ consciousness, seeking development, to understand, etc, is turning on the creator seed /resonating with creation, and this is the light, which sheds itself upon the direction we are aiming (ascending octave), a new order of Self, a threshold of development, emerging from the womb. well i didn’t say all that, but this is like representative of several conversations we’ve had. then he thinks to tell me the kaballah stuff that relates and I see more what he means, like the internal mechanics of creation begetting creation. he was going on about source energy moving down through (ray of creation) the crown into the lower chkaras, and it is a process, a spark that occurs within, a conscious decision is made, from which a sound forms and exits through the mouth. hmmmm. ok, so light is like ambient energy. it is god, it is all around. but sound, sound requires an intentional action. light is passive, sound is active, the act of creation. it has been noted
got really overwhelmed last night. ending in the kind of insomnia that only happens when you haven’t slept a decent night in several. if it wasn’t for the work stress, I don’t think all the other items combined would have been enough to bring about this kind of stress and reaction. but there is all was, like the trip, both great and what-if things connected to deeper past, and a newer level of stock taking having to do with interpersonal relationships, past relationships, current relationships. it dawned on me that what i said earlier about a relationship possibly being a necessary error was not accurate. the same issues were at work in the ending of both friendships/relationships. in so many ways i got to know To even less. anyway, for me this distilled stuff has to do with reconsidering the original inspiration: that of wanting others who have similar pattern analysis and synthesis interests, intelligence… and being disappointed to discover that so many potential frindships of this kind were all fucked through the machine of romantic reproductive type dictates. that really hit me so hard… that just now some 10 years later it occurs to me that at some point i decided To didn’t really want to know me…and so I never really did talk with him about why it went the way it did, or what happened from my end of things, and it occurs to me the times that he’d, in his way, tried to ask, tried to engage the topic of discussion, and I just hadn’t been in a place where I could hear / respond. I mean there were other aspects and things leading up to feeling dismissed, but now i see this whole of differing perspectives, and the stress we were both going through. anyway, there was a lot of stuff on my mind and I’d like to be able to address some of this before the trip, but no time.anyway, i think in having discovered much more about the types of people not worth having as friends, and much time having passed, my mind returns to the original inspiration template. It was no wrong, or inaccurate, but just that I suppose we -those of us who do have much more in common on deeper levels- each have to come to our own personal threshold from growth into development and understanding with regard to the types of people who encourage stasis and the kinds of encourage development and a different kind of balance. And so my thoughts return to the few friends who I saw these great potential relationships with. and thank you Ch for understanding that it’s not about liking or wanting to be with this person or that person more or less, but that we who are seeking are drawn to each other, not as exclusive couples but as teams of complimentary people. Thanks, beebs, for actually understanding that. no, i do not take for granted what I have. well i do, but you know what i mean; i try not to, and it’s not too much of a task to be grateful for life with someone who is so loving and supportive -I seldom forget, though I can still be a huge asshole to you, I know. without this mutual support i would likely not have had the energies to understand the dynamics between me or us and some others with whom i’ve felt relevance. thanks for the insight. thanks for not minding me waking you up. it really helped, that sort of model we came up with about the mechanical mind taking over. ch and i are not the same in reaction to tiredness. as he says, his body will just start shutting down, his mind along with it. when I get tired, my mind kicks into overdrive, which is great for a while. As long as I have enough energy, the higher centers are able to process a lot of data and find dynamic solutions. But if I push myself too hard, too long, the higher intellectual center runs out of juice, and without realizing it I slip into more of a mechanical intellectual mode. I try to step back and feel out the solutions, but it’s just blurry and frustrating. yet, the mechanical/motor part of the intellect is also responsible for chewing over data and finding the weak spots, it’s the lowest type of intellect, the either/or classification, reduction intellect. So, when Ch was telling me to just detach my emotions from the thoughts, I just couldn’t do it because this motor intellect thing was set on autopilot and I was out of higher energy/composure, so it kept going over the glitches, looking for the weak spots, worse case scenarios, and shouting out to me every one it came across. When we talked and I understood it this way, it made it easier to finally get sleepy.
Yet, it was stressing about this work job that broke the camels back and had me mad with insomnia for a few hours last night. The impossible launching -progress really was pretty decent in light of the crunched time. but there i was with one tomorrow day left to get things basically completely functional, and one major component was completely fucked. found a work-around, and then another and another when murphy kept popping in, deeper and deeper into parenthetical depths. client is very reasonable and intelligent and it’s very nice to get paid for brain power. I mean i have quite a few really great clients who are reasonable and fair, and this one also has a budget, so I crunch and crunch and is the stress worth the 9.32 FND /day? yes. but even so, phone calls in the middle of last minute tweaks, more shit beyond my control breaking, more phone calls. AAAAhhhh! but we made the most of it. the thing has been stitched together and will hold until I get back. whew! and the sign of a developed person? someone who when considering a glitch in communication looks first for how they can contribute toward a mutual understanding / solution, rather than assuming the other has erred in some way. interesting experience of working with a very assertive and clear about expectations person. don’t always find that in a client and it makes things/specs much clearer, client satisfaction much likelier… but then if you do, often they are overbearing. not this one, though frustration was palpable from both ends at times today. it’s nice to know that even in the worst glitchy stressed out work day, people can problem solve without getting overtly pissy and pointing fingers. now I just hope no huge shit hits the fan while i’m away. we’re expecting some shit, and so i’m sort of on call. not too fun, but glad to find a workable solution for everyone involved. have 2.75 hours to sleep then off to the airport. thankfully, i ended up getting 9 hours last night so we’re all square there. omfg what a stressful teeth grinding fucking day. can’t believe i’ll be in ND in less than 12 hours.