dream of jumper
what’s up, why so long without so much as a hiccup connector only to appear as the main character in the dream I just had?
You were different looking -had a different body than the one I’m familiar with, but it was you, that’s certain. You’d come by with some kind of partner/friend of yours. …among some friendly catching up, there were a few minutes of your honoring/humoring a balancing of the like handful of ‘unrequited friendship’ errr vibes from me about your dismissing me.. that had built up over those years of the Misunderstanding (my take is a circus ride nutshell experience replete with pink floyd’s ‘bike’ and snapshot of how fucked up it is that I never wanted a title role in your life -YOU’RE THE KIND OF GIRL THAT FITS INTO MY WORLD-, and but I still got dismissed because your wife said so -I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING, EVERYTHING IF YOU WANT THINGS-, but that’s just me)… anyway, in the dream this misunderstanding was just that and we were in the present again as friends willing to share some adventures, but the more important, pressing ,actually, thing was that you only had a few minutes because you came to tell me that you Had to Go.
It doesn’t feel like a real connective experience, it feels like my own internal stuff, but one never knows for sure. So I asked myself why this has come up, and the simplest, likeliest reason is that it’s coming up on 10 years, like almost the exact days, since I saw you in Col. -though I normally don’t track such calendar events, apparently those events just graduated to a different memory sector or something. It felt like a friend going away, and that was just that. So maybe it’s just taken this long to get over losing one of the best friends I got to meet –sure you sort of sucked at the ‘good friend’ part during the years of the respective busy-ness and Misunderstanding (haH) but you’re one of the more decent people I’ve known, who cares about personal responsibility and at some point, and will again, took/takes joy in entertaining creations not yet understood. You enjoy exploring, and this is what saddens me that we didn’t get a chance to do beyond the handful of really fun experiences. I think it’s unfair how harshly you judged me when I didn’t pass the ‘friend audition’ or whtvr, because altitude sickness can be perceived as stubborn social retardation, but that doesn’t mean I’m anything like Stv, thanks for the name calling anyway, punk. But yeah, the adventurous intellect, person and possible friendship, This is the friend I miss that got married away, or whatever happened. At one point I decided it was just a story you’d made up, but naaaaa, besides lying not being too likely of possibility, the signs pointed to this hiccup long before it took place. that had been the pattern I saw and had trouble digesting about what you thought you needed to do next (romantic love type of pair bonding) that had sort of hit me out of left field -me “yeah, but I know we’re good friends underneath all that other stuff”, you “yeah, but she’s jealous [and if I don't make this work then how am I giving a committed Relationship a honest try]” or however it went.
I understand this a little bit more now. Though my main stance is that if any friend or partner tells you that you can’t have both them and someone else, quite often (not always) there is a problem with the person recommending it, and the respective expectations in your and their relationship,, similar to your relationship (assuming there still is one) it seems he is the somewhat younger one, so eager to please and genuinely loving and loyal, a genuine and loving person who would drop nearly anyone else if I asked him to do so. I’d like to think that would never happen, but of course we can’t assume it never would. IF I did ((whether by some logic of ‘protecting the formative’ relationship or ‘bad vibes’ about the other woman)), I know that he probably would not hesitate to accommodate my wishes. I’ve seen some very new things in experiencing this kind of unconditional love, or how we’ve managed to swing a bit back and forth and help the other one land softly when a dark-night lingers… so I get loyalty priority of girlfriend/wife/best-friend, over friendship..-interrupted. I remember you saying something about bonding over bonding, and I can respect that. I know what it’s like to come through something and appreciate the simple, solid things of life, to honor and nurture the co-bringers of such times in life.
It seems like the dream means a decisive shifting of priority where you are concerned. This has never been a pressing thing for me, this offering of friendship, I have patience and open mindedness without expectation. I just fell in deep resonance and curiosity when I interacted with you and have left open the option to become friends at some time again. So, though I keep a place for you, there are so many possible connections and events in life and as you have not utilized yours with me in some time, that it’s been archived one level. It’s still there in entirety, but it’s one level condensed and removed from consciousness edges. It’s always been left just a rough sketch and memories are the dots of real interactions that created the sketch.
thanks for stopping by, I wish you well on your journey