Etc
now i forgot how the f this ties in to why i started writing [what i got started thinking about after a divination/space-time magick working].
can i count that as unretrieved shadow memories from other dimensional aspects of my life? hah! i suppose so. because all i know is where i came in on…so i see this change, this coming dawning of a new age in my life or something, but the wicked thing about it is that the challenge and payoff is all wrapped up in daily, mundanely lovely satisfaction, a warm bed and food to eat and hobbits to share it with. …i think. who knows maybe i won’t be able to stand working from home anymore or something, but some change is afoot and a lingering sadness/hopelessness keeps trying to drift in..over the last 2 days. all this indicating to me a greater coming round full circle type of intersection.
which got me to experimenting with embracing concepts, books, etc once with great past meaning, and it’s been interesting. by really trying to hold and entangle with my once precious guideposts i could clearly see how far and polar i’d come such that i found it very difficult to ‘believe’ this or that rather than look for underlying motives, a disproportionate amount of cynicism. I mean tangle with it and you’re likely to become it, right? (note on the ‘friends’ etc I’m tuning away from) i understand my group role of irreverent reminder and as such can sort of get past events where i feel a sort of closing system desperation from some intellectual and suddenly find myself compelled to ‘prove’ this or that wacky idea.
. . . but now that i’ve been around the block a few times, punished for being the red sponge in yellow sponge territory, i’m looking to join my red sponge brethren and see what’s goin on. it’s very much like a dream quest or something, how it is i seemingly just *dropped* these entire aspects of my life/self and now i find they’re still here, underneath the layers, still relevant. when i let myself access these bases again i’m suddenly reminded that oh yeah! i didn’t have to *undo* all the crazy ideas i believed in before because the part where i’d been proven crazy wasn’t me, but my ideas threw others’ eyes.
i mean i never had to know if existence extends beyond physical life or not (i just knew what i knew), so it’s silly to have allowed this burden of other’s that what I had experienced in terms of ‘out of body experiences’ and such were just that, those experiences in various terms and patterns (if someone wants to discuss, but clearly recorded events all the same) were just my ‘imagination’ soothing my incurable mortal fears (or so the ‘friends” voices implied over and over). it’s like trying on someone else’s mindtrap and sure enough it’s just as hard to get out as it looks easy from the other side. then, oh yeah, it can be easy, because now i remember where i’d just been. holy shit, all the wacky stuff i was working on then is still relevant and as usual all it takes is another objective step back.
so they can keep their hang ups and discomfort about conscious/deliberate interaction with one’s environment or whtvr if they insist, but i’ve got much more interesting and enjoyable experiences to live than all that. so i’ve learned that many people are scared, i’ve learned, in a word, humility, my earlier self is tempered thru and thru with renewed humility as far as being human goes, i did not do these things to them, the world does and we each have the task of defining our own boundaries and i think that is the only way it works. i can’t be responsible for feeling out your feelings and you are not responsible for mine, we are each responsible for expressing a problem, feeling, etc of our own as it happens –this is the way we get close with those ‘closest’ in our lives.
[morphs into an eric post and those are shifted slightly out of tune with the front pages heeee heee]