fasting -fuzzying walls- detox
Time for a fast. I’ve done this up to a week previously -that is water fast (no juice, etc). Besides general cleansing of toxins and promoting cannibalizing any abnormal cells, my goal this time is primarily spiritual in that I seek to realign the goals of my ego with those of my higher self.
Fasting Meta Info
Today is day 3. On days 1 and 2 I had vegetable juice and veggie broth a couple times a day, in addition to water with a bit of lemon. The addition of veggie juice and broth can really take the edge off food withdrawal, but also slows the switch to ketosis (that is when the body switches from burning carbohydrates from food going through, to burning fat and undesirable materials).
I think I switched to general detox mode even though I was drinking broth and juice because I still got the yuck-taste on the roof of my mouth associated with general detoxification (you start tasting the little bits of yuck as your body purges them), but I think that to get into the deeper tissues, switching to only water is the way to go. Similarly, even if one is going to allow juice, in my experience veggie juice keeps one closer to detox than fruit juices -fruit juices just have too much sugar to convince your body to make the switch.
Besides adding a bit of lemon juice, one treat during fasting that I’ve been enjoying immensely is adding a packet of stevia to lemon water. I add juice from about 1/2-1whole lemon and one-two packet(s) stevia to a huge glass of water. Tastes like lemonade, but has zero sugar/carbs/calories.
Update: I will skip the veggie juice/broth steps next fast. Going straight to water fast is much easier and most effective. By day 3 when I switched to water I was worn out from the slow torture, near-fast that veggie juice/broth effected. Water fasting might sound more difficult, but one day with a couple of strong hunger cravings is better than 3 days with many moderate hunger cravings. This 4 day fast was more uncomfortable than 5-7 day long fasts, and I did not reach the same level of spiritual clarity -then again I had more bullshit to deal with than I had on previous fasts.
Balancing Self
I’m reminded of a sketch I drew to illustrate how I felt just after the covert-drugging/mind-fuck episodes. If self is a circle (with 2 halves to show the difference(, and symbolize the dualistic nature of the human condition)), what I was left with after the drugging events felt to me as though the circle of self had been split into many concentric circles, each turned just a bit out of whack. - in avoiding the barrage of intrusions into my space and the interjections during each level/session, I’d retreated ever further inward.
Some three years ago I intuited that healing from those events would require a balance of recovering memories (digging in to those disconnected bits) while not letting any kind of victim mode hardwire. As I worked at remembering things I would make major discoveries that looked to me like I was working from the innermost circle of self outward. For each realignment it was as if I rotated the innermost circle to match up with the circle next distal, and in doing so would unleash a wad of yuck -negative energies. This catharsis confused me the first step or two because after great processing progress I was hitting these massive lows that seemed even lower than the nearly blank slate I’d come home with.
So anyway, these diagrams of self & self>turbulence helped me understand what was happening.
Since I don’t feel like digging through old papers I’ve recreated similar diagrams:
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Using this model, it seems that I’m still working on righting that last outer layer of mundane self (ego) with higher self, as evident by the toxic bits being purged.
Purging Old Frequencies
About 12 hours into this fast I hit some bumps (as is normally the case, it seems to take a full 24-48 hours of fasting before food cravings go away). Though it’s been weeks since I had one, I suddenly wanted a cigarette, I wanted food, I wanted sugar DAMMIT! Anything!! I rode this out by ranting about the stalkers and friends-turned-stalkers and all the bullshit I’d been through. It appears that I’d reached interface with that last level still turned out of true and aligned with old energies, old frequencies I do not want to tune into any longer:
The fucking cameras and surveillance all around. I was a caged animal. What good is intellect or awareness when all I felt was the incessant spying on every fucking thing I did or said or tried to do to move away from the interference. Even my magickal workings and generally creative efforts to keep moving forward were commented on and became part of the themed street theater. And all the friends I’d honored and treated with respect. The loving thoughts and actions from deep in my heart they had shit out with black tar that was dripping down all sides of me.
It may be relatively easy to see that they are just not as developed or whatever it is that has them acting like elementary school bullies with grown-up weapons, but it’s decidedly another thing altogether to work on developing my ideas of respect. For as long as I can remember I’ve walked around respecting every person I meet as a fellow being experiencing this life adventure. Obviously we all have different agendas which color our perceptions which can make us seem extremely different from one another, but the similarity is that we are all here interfacing with each other and this unique experience of human life.
So when it came to friends, as long as we had a thing or two in common, whether interests or could share a laugh or whatever, I figured all the other respective bits would stay in their respective places. I could empathize with so-and-so’s shortcomings that made them controlling assholes sometimes because I could see how their life experiences had helped create such reactions. As time has gone on I’ve learned to distinguish between empathy and sympathy, but it seems that this whole section of awareness wants for further development because something like sympathy is what made me overlook: I have done more work on not letting the negative experiences of my life bleed through into my interactions with others than any of the friends-turned-stalkers have. They haven’t bothered. They had even claimed that my sharing my creative ideas and hypotheses is my forcing my perspective on to them. GROW UP you sick little sycophantic false front retards, cuz no one is going to do it for you. If you didn’t understand what I was saying when we’d hang out and we’d share our ideas (or so I thought it was about) before your leader turned all your shadow yuck into harnesses, that’s your bag. If you pretended to care rather than adding your own opinion or perspective to the mix, and now claim that I was trying to dominate you, that’s your bag.
Then you have the nerve to come over to my home and taunt me with words said during the covert drugging that I don’t even remember (it’s all you playing in a hall of mirrors), or your take on my words that you will pay for what you’re doing. I wasn’t talking about revenge, what I communicated is that the only fear I have related to you is fear FOR you, for what you’re doing to yourselves. Being so caught up in trying to damage another you neglect to see the damage you are causing yourself and every-one/thing around you. And that’s yours, not mine.
So I talked with and yelled at the demons flying around in that last outer layer for 20 minutes or so. And then it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.
Suddenly the wall I was looking at was not solid and shiny white, it was blurry and I could sort of see the space between the wall-bits. It was clear that I (as in the spiritual or longer range ‘me’) have been evolving despite the mundane distractions and power games directed at me. Look, how curious and now, the fuzzy wall with spaces betwixt the wall pieces. Interesting. Such effect is the exact request I put to my higher self that brought on OBEs and generally started my main introspective streak through life some 15 or so years ago. Today, on switching-to-water day I’m feeling a marked disentanglement from the physical, so we shall see what comes next.
Creativity Battery
During interim between purges like above and what comes next I made a list of the experiences and tools-toward-experiences I want to align with and manifest. Since going into those here would be counter productive, let me just say that one particular creative project that was put on hold was among the items listed. And the reason I bring it up is to help the negative energy surrounding the halt in creation of said project (then brought on by stalker-critter direct interference) PLAY OUT. Fuck you stalker-critters your bullshit will still be woven into my project even if you talk about it at me.
ohm
Thus ends this installment of retching catharsis.