so, the trip–which for this last weekend was the distraction from finishing unpacking. Chad didn’t get off work as early as we’d have liked so ended up fighting rush hour traffic in Houston for hours. by some swing of grace or luck the dallas show was to go off late, as EA updated me as i sweated out houston traffic. when we finally got to dallas couldn’t make sense of the directions –at all. like just could not find the fuckin place, and had zero patience/calm left after eventful highway driving drama from Chad. Thank GOD EA GPSed over to us and led us back to the club! got to meet some new SP fans, and EA’s GF, and the artist celebs of the trip, Mark S, PhW, and cEv. if it weren’t for EA and Ch I would never had approached either of The Kevins lol. somehow comforting that I was an even bigger dork with this Kevin than the other.lol. i just don’t get the whole signing ritual too much, so i want to at least offer a fresh thought or question regarding them and their music that occurs to me, even if it’s out of left like about the influence of cetaceans ;

So the whole trip is kind of like a balance of enjoyment and weird fan pod antics. I mean on the one hand it’s great to meet others who enjoy the music so much, and also get to know some better as time goes on, but the closer you get to the core of it all –which is a nice place to be because its getting closer to the energy that one resonates with as with the music itself, etc– you also start hitting the rough patches of drama whispers and infighting of fans if not artists themselves –this is a possibility I’ve acknowledged now, and I guess I don’t really want to know those things, I mean I don’t want to intrude or be burdened. As a famous person you have enough on your plate just having to wonder which side the intentions of each new person lie on, resonance or sucking. i mean in that way celebrity is not much different from being the target of stalking, EXCEPT that with the added spotlight it might be easier to make it stop if/when things swing that way. i love their music, and it’s enhanced and inspired so many facets of my life, so it would be nice to express this since they’re right there, but there’s no getting across which type of person you are when forced into those 30-second-long meeting sessions –not even for oneself, but neither to truly offer any sort of ‘i hear you and your msg has meant a lot’. and yeah for me it doesn’t feel great either to know there is no telling, for themselves, if i’m a retrolink sucker or someone worthwhile, why?  i mean i lucked out with KevinO because there was a serendipitous deeper connection to be made, a set of synchronous nudges  –can i get a witness..to be one my side... ['witness' lyrics float to mind] other than that, guess i’ll go back to my original stance which is to leave famous people alone even if there is a resonance unless i happen to bump into them outside of one of those horrible queue-for-autographs sessions.lol. because those just feel ucky to me.

anyway, so after thursday’s show we also hung out for a few minutes with some other attendees. met Nugget and company (hey yall) and offered a smoke (decided to ask this and then walked up, introduced myself, and got his name. i wonder if his name/identity had become this magnet which attracted me and my question/offer.lol). Ended up becoming a bigger group, which is fine, but i caught myself standing there just having to process all the stories each person was offering. many were not talking, but many were, and it was a lot to take in. it seems dvon/SP/etc ppl are more complex and interesting than just the average person you could stop and talk to on the street. some really heavy stuff mixed with everyday tones and topics too.lol.maybe will see these ppl again. that would be nice as they seemed quite interesting and grounded.

lights went out on the whole block. dark rustle through the club trying to help others load up their gear. (hey, Jirus (Chad’s remix of your name, Joe), good to see you again). hung out in parking lot of club more, with ppl talking about their various snapshots and such of the night. took for fucking ever to find another hotel since the one I wrote directions to were equally impossible to follow. WTF? how did i suddenly lose all direction skills and senses? then again i remember other worst instances of getting lost, and most of those happened in Dallas too. then found one big holiday inn or whtvr, it was almost light out and they wanted $120. just not willing to pay that everything considered (though I may have if we’d searched more than another 5 minutes), so we end up at a $40 place where the lady’s version of ‘we only take cash’ is ‘come back in the morning’. the 12th attempt on our part was “so we can’t get a room now?”, then she finally stopped saying ‘come back in the morning!’ and said ‘cash only’ . was it some kind of 6am junkie filter or something? wtf? no matter, just turned off the light and fell asleep. It was a weird little place that was styled too similarly to that place outside of Denver where me and E stayed. which had weird effects on sleep and other things.  mainly a sign of further processing i suppose, so involved facing some of the aloneness feelings and whatnot of that horrible trip. and gratefulness for having someone along who was close to me and cared about me, and could show it. so, in another sense, this also smoothed over the yelling, lost in dallas bullshit of the night before.

lesson learned: headaches *are sometimes* caused by not eating-

tried to eat. thought the nachos at this place looked good, but turned out to be worse than high school football game quality, so didn’t eat. didn’t think i was that hungry// went on about the day without eating. didn’t think of that as the worst headache in years came over me and got worse all fuckin day long. we met of with EA, picked up PhW and Jsc from the hotel, stopped for food for them, and headed on our ways to Austin for the next show. hours caravaning later… (notes:add 30 minutes for each additional person in caravan)… Headache got worse and worse until we’re parked on a street downtown Austin, waiting for EA to check PhW into this hotel, so we can get to ours together, and just knew something had to change /was cracking under the pain/exhaustion combo. had been hoping to have more time to rest and had no idea the trip from dallas to austin could take so long. but there we were about an hour before doors. so, as difficult as it was, Ch helped me make the decision to stay at the motel and rest rather than go to the show. the fucked up thing is, as soon as I ate a few bites of food (which took so long to arrive we were well beyond too-late-to-still-go-to-show), the headache stopped. water hadnt helped, resting eyes hadn’t helped too much, but food did. who knew. so it sucked that we went all that way and didn’t even go to the austin show (EA says “you guys really missed out” .. they played for over 3 hours, etc etc. but *has* gone on to say he’s glad we made the right choice for us and related similar headache before show story), but whtvr, EA recorded like the whole thing, and we made it to the one show… i was joking with Chad that for all we know we dodged a stalking scenario bullet anyway, it being austin/home of the devil and all. i mean i hadn’t yet been to a concert related to SP where stalkers didn’t appear, until the last tour where one show didn’t have them. and then this dvon show in dallas was stalker-free. so venue of venues, probably did. poor, bored, stalker critters.

back to work…almost. was ipod net in bed surfing for a few hours earlier. read about spirit guides this morning. i suppose if someone asked me i would not be too inclined to say that spirit guides are distinct from our higher selves or other facets of self (introspection), yet if pressed i could just as easily say ‘yes, i have had contact with spirit guides’ and did experience these beings as distinct and equal or more advanced than myself, and think that most forgetting is due to the veil and par for the course –don’t think it’s been important to look for this connection as I knew the journey would be long at times, and on a more basic level could not forget the connection anyway, so I don’t think about it except where deep intuition or nudges occur, I’m sometimes able to hear those and respond. which brings to mind the possibility of asking for more connection from such guides. hmmmm.

found this one article that talks about first contact being a basic guideline in most people’s life configurations. the part i thought was interesting is that it mentioned how a general addressing is fine, it’s in the request / question, the explicit seeking -> that establishes contact with anchors and energies outside of/bigger than this one life –struck a chord of funny as I recall the ‘ok, god, buddha, higher self, super ego, wisest part of brain, whoever can understand and respond…’ which brought about the void OBEs.

What I know of my sort of ‘life plan’ is that i either chose to take on a lot to grow or to help the system, or both, but either way, i know it involved taking on some-more than others may have chosen to, and less than some others of course. Many of the memories and experiences from outside this life have been extra clear and remembered despite the veil and all that, because I’ve needed these reminders to carry out my purpose. well, deeper than that, it’s just time to develop in these ways and so there is a deeper cause that effects both my outside-life memories and experiences, as well as defines my purpose. but anyway.

so uh one way of perusing the stronger ’spirit guide’ messages would be to assume the stronger ones meant that they were especially important messages, such as warnings –not so much to avoid something, but to help get through it or serve as some other personal proof, again to get through and/or pay attention so as to make greater sense of things (such as the symbol that kept overlaying dreams one night before the accident that produced matching scar) -though I have also experienced guide messages that were about options to avoid this or that negative experience as unnecessary.

but, sometimes which messages make it through depends entirely on my own frequency. roughly, when i am more relaxed / subtler / higher energies make for clearer connections. so there are times when messages have not necessarily been more important, but more easily heard because of my own focus.

there is also like-frequency, influences between which can reach longer and so in local temporal, cross effects can be more unexpected, but in bigger pictures, is generally more constant or like-minded. so anyway, strong messages from guides or intuition that involve like-frequency can come mixed: in the middle of the mundane- serendipitously, then seemingly in absolute opposition to the gameplan, alternately. but also in the in-between (the outside-this-life mentioned previously). the exciting thing is that the like-frequencied people remind me most of my true nature, creativity and playful thinking/exploring, help me stay inspired sometimes with remembering something of how fun it will be to have these new pieces to share and pour over with each other.

i mean that’s the difference between like soul mate and life partner –though, yeah yeah your life partner can become your soul mate and all that love the one you’re with hooey, but for anyone who knows more than that, … the soul mate is not about pair bonding and such, more like best friends and have similar reasoning and mental personalities. ch– hmmm, we can talk for hours and resonate or bounce creative ideas and collaborate, etc, but we have very different reasoning styles and enjoy ‘thinking of our pieces’ in quite different ways. sure, in that other way ppl mean it at times, we are becoming soul mates, we are the best of friends. yet, and this is completely from out of my ass, whereas i’ve only ever heard you talk about making-it-out-this-time (of anyone ever, now that i think of it), i get the idea from chad that it’s more like the he’ll talk philosophy, but got here more recently so is less interested/ripe for the type of directions/moves that I am– not talking about for right now, but larger window. i mean for a while I thought it was bumping into you that created that funny storyline about meeting someone on my wavelength, only to have them get absorbed in some console game and yell at me when i try to get their attention to play with each other and see what else is around…but no, it was more like you reminded me of the bigger picture, then a lot of world became darker, by comparison and disillusionment (a few ppl came close in having neat minds, but morally or whtvr would crack like twigs (biting chunks out of me in the parting -but they know not what they do and all that), which is disappointing on a purely intellectual level even), but part of what I’ve learned is that there is not just different facets of experience, but degrees of experience, or at least degrees of immersion or game-progress, and that seeing things this way makes maneuvering in and around this realm much easier, smoother… no one compares. i imagine it all happens in its own time, but at the same time, a point in development is taking-the-reigns, the leap of faith, turning from reaction/fate to creativity/choosing-destiny… and so i wonder when someone i respect brings up a proposed problem of beings going deeper to help others who have become rather stuck or forgetful, and how then sometimes these beings become mired as well. makes me wonder because i’d mentioned something about an experience related to you (tho9ugh hadn’t mentioned you), and he went on about this stuff. which reminded me of the time after you sent the postcard that i said the thing about coming to hell for you and you ignoring me or whatever –i really don’t know why i said that, but felt strong and just like it was fucked that i had to wait to be friends > Life Partners should make room for Soul Mates/Friends or whtvr, as is the other way; i have never been jealous or exclusive, just impatient at times. i mean, this sort of leap frogging thing, i suspect, is how such Friends help each other through the thick of things; not absolute truths but myths describing the state of things, this idea of needing to wake each other up or whtvr. these tell of the activation and inspiration process/feedback between us, but happens in its own time, but can also be made a priority during more mundane/real-life. guess it just depends… choices can always be made.

so is it an inserted inspiration to remind us how to reel ourselves back in for the next adventure, these messages to me about you? i mean why me and not you? i know we both had our own confusion about life/love partner and this other Friend thing, so to be fair, i don’t think it’s like i’ve been waiting on you –what’s 13 years? honestly, not sure you could put up with me and have patience with me like chad does anyway, lol. who knows what all i’m working on with him –all these crazy emotion-centered things the opposite of reason and deduction –which is not contrary to my freer nature which knows how to resonate with that which I want to be/do/feel, but is opposite to the way i interface with daily life, and drives me crazy about him, so it’s like weird triangular energy that anchors me in the life partner/ cohabitation / daily struggle kind of thing. i push him a lot and he cares for me / heals me a lot. i love too, but we have different ideas about like love versus enabling.ha. granted, he is better about generating/offering feelings/expressions of acceptance whereas that doesn’t interest me unless i sense someone being/feeling ostracized. and thats what makes me feel like it’s to comfort himself, but you know that’s the unwisdom of comparing my perfectly wise insides to my impression of his outsides.lol. in many ways, counter to this need-theory, i know he’s loved away some of the life barnacles i’d stopped noticing or caring about as they suddenly appeared and just as suddenly overwhelmed me. and what’s more kind and noble than that? i mean in a showing-of-love sort of way. hmmmm.

that said,

i see us sharing our pieces and watching plays/recordings of this world experience, summaries / debriefings. and on to who-knows-what-next…?  !   some things i know are that it’s true that energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be created, and is all the time. it is not a simple dual motion of immersion/extension and absorption/withdrawal, though exploring those kinds of abstract movements can be useful for navigation purposes; we may return to a more primal or overarching position and awareness, but these experiences like life are not just distractions to ‘forget our true natures so we don’t get bored’ or whtvr, but produce new experiences, new energy, new life, for us and the All. New possible moves we’ve created that we won’t even know about until we step back out of this particular thing again.

further debate about warnings to emerge, versus mythology of a natural timeline, what’s up with the Fall? I mean as a little kid the Fall was a part of my most basic mythology –don’t know from where, but it was in the story of getting to help some stronger hero and accidentally falling and breaking my back..? but family was there afterward and i was safe at home, with such love…as the story went. Then, when I first/only-time asked with strong intention, “how did i get here? why the …’walls’?” and got the free flying in voidlike OBEs that always ended with.. the Fall, a horrible immersion like getting sucked away from the now// what i was doing right then, and then like: diving into a pool of liquid metal and it gets in and slows.every.thing.down. and you feel it/self chunking up into heavy chunky lumps, then poof: back in life in side weird rhythmic breathing vehicle. but first, the doorway with the entity (or carnival barker, as I and Chad joke) promising that this doorway –the realm to which is leads is precisely that which i’d had in mind. i would not be disappointed, the being relates, just before ifeel myself nearing the doorway and then getting sucked in. what does this tell us? the Fall is myth of the highest order, something that not only offers psychological meaning but also practical guidance through difficult passageways. whenever i doubt any sort of objective higher or more primal frequency, i remember the experiential Fall episodes those handful of times during (as the finale of each) those weird ’spontaneous’(/unexpected-response-to-question-of-deeper-guides) OBEs.

so whatever, it unfolds as it does (we each accomplish our respective objectives and collect interesting pieces in our own time), but whenever we’re ready to regroup, there is also a need for leap of faith, or more generically, a sideways/perpendicular step. i suppose we each also have our dive markers and reminders along the way– like visual check points along a flight plan. and mine seem to indicate things/questions like ‘is it possible to be a physical reality hanger-on’ or seeing things in terms of traps or ‘getting out’ as you said… which again, i think are just like symbolism and indicative of a point in the curve when things shift and we remember/see-again deeper truths and paths.

except for the myth about friends gathered around me, welcoming me home, after falling, i suppose i have not thought seriously about having guides, except a handful of times. i don’t think it’s that i doubt it, but like you only get so many outside-life memory slots and some more personal/core impressions were more important –that and the nature of spirit guides presumably being to help in just such a way –to inspire and send energy/love/guidance/moral-support into the fray, along with us, when not much in the way of higher emotion or awareness seems to make the trip. our support teams. seems odd that i hadn’t thought of trying more to interact with these folks or maybe that’s the truth behind the myth of thinking there is such importance in connecting specifically with someone in particular while here. either way though, i know like-frequencied and/or similar phase in life experience, and i remember how real and specific that we checked each other’s identities (so as to not leave a doubt now) in addition to seeing/proving that higher/more-energetic connections between beings is possible. the voice said patience. i don’t think it’s a carrot symbol sort of magic trick, as i said, the identity checking and past/future type places i’ve been/will-be with you. it’s neither of those of course…

i remember dreams off and on for the hardest years after you walked away. the more real (but still symbolic, not personal but communicatively like mind-speak symbolism) and positive ones (versus personal sorting psychological kinds) oftentimes were about wild adventures. tunnels, swimming, diving, pools, water, etc. many times we would jump into underwater tunnels and pop out of some well or pool at some different place, the internal debate then playing out in a more personalized dreamscape –we become separated and i can’t find the right tunnel –kind of stuff.

eh, anyway. as i’ve welcomed this possibility of spirit guides, i have seen things more clearly, or feel like i can form the questions i need to ask, and receive the input necessary to utilize the response. some other things that have surfaced from the depths are: my only idea of any life purpose besides the myths which were built on real memories, but not memories so much as shadows,,, has been this notion that impacting the world for the best will not mean action such as protest or decisive movement of pieces, but more like a general beaming/radiating. i’ve also thought this was completely lazy bullshit, but that was just a phase. it very well may be true that a certain depth of immersion must be reached before real remembrance or activation can happen, maybe it is all on auto-matic, but yeah it seems that part of the ride involves just being ready to move on to the next thing eventually, and doing it. but anyway, a sort of lateral movement recently seems to be remembering this vague purpose idea of sort of raising my energy / resonating with freer states i can remember / want to feel again, for some examples. as it turns out, basic breathing meditation does indeed seem to effectively raise/free energy for higher functioning…

been thinking more about this working relationship conflict and all that nebulous stuff and several tings have occurred to me which i would like to jot down. though, thankfully, my mind does not go completely blank when i sit to recall and/or further explore ideas through writing via internet –as it does whenever i sit down to lined paper- who knows what will transfer to this snapshot format.

so… it’s a power struggle– or there are such tendencies afoot, because neither of us are satisfied with the relationship. or, we’ve each become dissatisfied with the relationship. as i try to look at what it is about her tone and criticism that bothers me, it’s this sense of the-way-the-world-works-dictate and hierarchical power schema, ultimatums. in contrast to a working network of equal beings. that said, for an ‘equal community’ there must be candor with feedback -//there must be feedback. well crap, now it all is more polished, so interjection from beforehand:

[hierarchies / the customer is always right, / there is a standard which everyone must revere, or be better informed.lol] it feels wrong when it is stressed over and over again that somehow i should justify myself –my rate, or my practices, or … … this is a hierarchichal assumption that one holds power over the other, when i don’t owe them anything, they need me jsut as much. which is funny, because then their way of mentioning that is to just complain tons more, like it’s okay to start playing mind games (it feels like to me), or trying to nit pick every last negotiable element. seeminglywithout considering that i might just get fed up too, maybe i don’t need them or how i’m getting tired of feeling.

started thinking about like d.quinn’s ‘taker culture’, as the first culture to decide their way was the best, and to ‘instruct’ all others on the ‘correct/best way to do things’. the thing that makes me feel the above impressions is the way in which they are implying that i need to shape up or get out, whereas, on the one hand: i have had equally valid points and explanations for the discrepancies in service or where they have been dissatisfied at points now, yet hypocritically these are overlooked, because the main message is, again: i’m not happy. i mean they said so themselves that they were just trying to let me know rather than walk away without a sound. i can relate to this, yet —finally, ‘on the one hand’ if it’s like a strategy game of poker or something, i mean, i could just as easily say well i don’t need your biz, if you are so unsatisfied, please do us both a favor and do just that –call their bluff. on the other hand, i do feel a sense of responsibility and can see the validity of some of the points being made. So all that remains is to equally share my pov, which is basically: so what if they think i should charge less or whtvr, they are a high-maintenance client who wants a different level of service //practically expects me to drop everything. but now we’re on a smaller budget, so i can’t just drop everything// my other clients become more important. boring blah blah, i chose some terms, expressed encouragement for them to seek another provider and the ability to transfer things over, if they continue to be so dissatisifed. thnk you very much.

ack, boring, practical stuff. when behind th scenes all this new definition of metaphysical stuff nd overarching truths that fit more previously contradictory things, etc…..  so i was thinking about ‘the forest’ -the idea of a material world or game that we either agree to and forget, or are tricked into, or otherwise must ‘find our way back out’ –or at least the last part is often a component. I happen to think that everyone either agrees to it beforehand or is born within/from such ‘matrices’ of creation (to simplify things we’ll have only these 2 groups in our model). i think that for those who have just been ‘born’ there is no danger in ‘not making it out’ (as the common fear goes), because everything grows in its own season, it just flows -do not have the ability or power to do anything that impressive anyway. for those who agree to it beforehand, the only danger is believing oneself out of existence, in a sense. i mean if this is a ‘matrix of creation’, so that  Creation can continue… then for ‘volunteers’ (those who have agreed) there is a language of motion. there is an ‘engaging the matrix’ mode, which can and does have more than one movement or possible responses. in a sense these participants effect the matrix, at the same time that those who are born from/in it are affected-BY the matrix. by its very nature and design, it is an incubator of elemental qualities like consciousness and intelligence. therefore, the matrix itself becomes sentient. the ‘participants’ when seeking/sent to effect a new twist in the cultivation plans, are met by resistance of the matrix itself //and its inhabitants. though we may not remember or know directly what it is our mission or packet to inject into the world (to intervene with relatively more free will than those others sucking on hive), when we come close to that purpose we experience this sort of ‘matrix confrontation’ –confrontation with what mouravieff calls the general law. i mean the devila and that whole chapter. it’s funny because this is sort of a fail/safe for the volunteers (who conceivably could believe themselves out of existence if they really wanted to )– if they get too caught up in believing the ‘lies of the beast’ (absolute death blah blah), they may run the risk of forgetting they are truly alive and there is no opposite state, but -rather- tend to simply fall asleep and are lulled gently by the status quo –rather than perhaps actually believe the lies and believe themselves right out of existence.lol. of course it’s not as black and white, i don’t think-> or like with this idea of x amount of people who are consciously forgetting and investing their energy to help cultivate a ‘creation incubator’,,, but sort of true in that there is no telling -at the outset- how many volunteers may be needed for any given assignment or project, and that some additionals may be needed to help previous volunteers who got fascinated, to snap back out of it (?)..

for some reason my mind turns to breads that require a starter, like sourdough– conceivably you can get infinite loaves of sourdough bread out of one starter that can last an indefinite amount of time if it is not used, yet sometimes starter goes bad or gets wasted (does not ‘take off’ or activate the batch of bread as planned) and so you need to add some more from somewhere else (some other existent starter) to make it viable again –to be able to keep baking bread at that bakery. anyway, i saw this chain of bread starter personified, like it has agreed to help produce bread, but it does not know how many or how long the task may take; thankfully the starter is allowed to tag-out and or call for backup–or some are?. so it is like one long interwoven chain of starter(s) all linked together, nodding to each other and tagging-in when needed. anyway, whatever my deal is to do, it involved clear repeating impressions to not forget that i am on some kind of mission that i cannot know how it will unfold, but that i wil be tempted to forget –that has been the only part that never faded or morphed, that this realm will tempt me to forget. these repeating messages/like holographic symbolism (memories but i know they are shown in symbols my young human brain liked/was familiar with) are intended to help get me through the toughest parts, but also think that i remember some things others (who *are* like me) do not, so that i can help them remember themselves. so i see the world with less time, and i’ve seen where we interact and exchange and share with our minds instead of the resistence /common experience of my own mind echoing back onto me. i mean introspection is one thing, and symbolism eras of development are another, and what it is like to remember NOT being so heavy and physical and slow and restricted //’before the fall’,  and so sometimes just feeling sort of misplaced and lonely, though most of the time curiosity and pushing forward seeking to understand while here has been enough company.

a snapshot comes to mind of one time in particular that this image of the movement and members came to me organically / in-the-moment at a musical event where i was day dreaming /empty-headed and looked up because i felt ‘recognition’ coming from another person, and i knew that we would remember having bumped into each other in the thick of it, so to speak. –just one of those ‘things i know for sure’ bits that popped up. never know when those might come in handy, so might as well hang on to it.

many other additional perspectives come sliding into view– how these volunteers also more directly help each other– by propping-up, and leap-frogging, and sometimes this means you suck in some water while another participant gets their bearings again scrambling up onto you as they pull themselves out of the depths, or maybe i/you are the one who got lost for a while and another was the one who inspired us to remember and tune into our deeper natures. besides the sometimes loneliness of bumping into these others but then going our separate ways –muchof the crap iwrite here tackles issues of these (non-physical)relationships(in the sense that they are never left to just be) with similar voluneer types…besides that, it can feel embarrassing to forget, and be the one propped up, as though after such an encounter one thinks ‘oh wow, i could have done that on my own, i’m experienced enough to have found a better solution than to go crying to someone else who is no more an authority than myself’… etc. as it can look in hindsight when someone has inspired us- someimes they do know somethng of our intenal state or are higher in some way, and sometimes this is self not giving credit to self for understanding-work because of that thing where we are sometimes more comfortable when big changes seem to be some external force of inspirarion. But yeah, sometimes i wonder, as much as i someimes long for the mind company of those kindred ppl, as though we just cant be in the same room for too lng by realm laws or they fall asleep, it seems there are times when it may be just as clear or frustrating to others, who inspire or recharge or heal me, that i have gotten spun off course and they can only offer more conscious (‘moral’) support. In those cases,  i suppose i find it very much like the day after having been a drunken idiot the ngiht before and good friends/ real friends *might* tease you -at worst, but remember that everyone has those low times, rather than try to ridicule you.such is life. [just another how to tell the difference between real/primary charcters and drone reminders 

so ah, for me i might see the world in terms of “materiality-and-distraction OR essence-and-truth” polarity (like how i’ve always disliked too much objecty STUFF), because for me this is a useful reminder. as a self-employed contractor -lol- these are the risks and parameters: there is an immersion and confrontation phase, delivery/active-cultivation phases, and so on… and such concepts as materiality and concerns about materiality being distraction or ‘ruin’, are tools of the trade. whereas for someone becoming self-aware or ‘born’ here (or some completely other interface), it is not probably relevant or helpful to use these lenses . in these cases, materiality, the status quo, just is. it is mother and sustenance.

it, this life or volunteer thing, is difficult and some unknown degree of failure is unavoidable and expected, at least certainly by local standards

oh yeah, so… i think the pattern explored in the ‘lady in the water’ movie where the narf must be seen by the one whose role it is to deliver a particularly important packet/update… this is another function and facet of life as ‘participants’– we network to resonate and trigger our various roles. sometimes this means just seeing one another, sometimes it means a longer partnership, varies. and most of all, this creation project is made up as we go along.

_____
update 2 days later
decided to half veg out/ half ipod net surf a few hours before caching few hours of sleep before tackling the latest webdev bs– which i think i’ve got a handle on and don’t hate anymore again–  Put in matrix2 and decided i would check out montalk.net for his breakdown / take on that one again…

when i noticed a more recent article on intelligent-design (http://montalk.net/science/163/intelligent-design), and could not be more synchronous, as far as the intelligent intervention angle. many possible explorations.

for now, im lazy, back to the movie…

orrible fuckin day. havn’t felt this just bad/down/etc in i can’t rememebr how long -though it is lifting now, i suppose. i mean in years -like. just fucking horrible. like what’s the point and just another move to yet another apartment. what was the goal? there isn’t enough time in a day… etc, i’m thinking. or maybe it was trying to connect with meaning and order not very accessible from here. misery is the river of the world and all that. do not desire what is not necessary -think the trick is deciding what is necessary. the future is unwritten. write something. maybe it’s those horrible bc pills, maybe they’re just totally throwing my system out of whack having not been on any for so long. no, but ‘write something’, right? i suppose like lots of ppl i feel like i’m always sort of putting off this or that great/fun project, or like i at least would play catchup and make time every few weeks or SOMETHING, whereas now i just get so fed up with work that i just.want.to.unplug.when.it’s.over,., and that’s a horrible slave yuck kind of feeling. i mean a lot of it is just time management, which *is* an issue because i refuse to schedule my entire day, i don’t want to know what’s going to happen and whenever possible i avoid planning daily events, though i do go through a genera list of must-dos at the beginning so i don’t freak out later, but i cannot cope with living by lists. fuck that. so then i get an email from the same person going all out about how well bean farmers on beanlove.com charge much less even though many of them have glowing feedback ratings about how responsive and diligent they are –as compared to how, in a real life (not profile lies) setting, i clearly suck. the crazy thing is this is some confrontation with the older (long ago relaxed), but still rooted, type-a get it done, make someone get it done, leader/mastermind kind of person, which i just do not dig anymore. So, yeah, I’m a lazy intellectual hippy or whatever. go ahead and pay the beanlove.com farmer your money, i charge what i do is in response to increased demand. it’s just like on some level i respect or find interesting an intellectual person more, to be honest, yet sometimes their loopiness is just the worst. was perfectly happy to quote fixed amounts, but no they were happy to pay by the hour. great. then months later there is all these questions about going over nonexistent budget. just very high expectations and very consumer-me-my-project-centric, now-now-now. and on the best, it’s been a great challenge and experience dealing with someone who is as assertive as this, and at worst, as ugly as i can be to those (only those closest to me get the passing wrath, but should know it passes as quickly as it comes on) around me when shit just isn’t going right. so it’s been interesting, but now this email all about well if they were me how they would run their business differently. i mean conceivably we could sit and argue and imply these cyclical finger pointing things all day. i odn’t like being corrected on *how* to say or present something, though i do it to others at times when i feel like they’re trying to be dense just to annoy me. but you know what the main fuckin thing is?

i just want to live in a forest.

some nice water not too far away. trees. that’s all. what started as a cool thing to teach myself and also make needed money from, AS IT TURNS OUT, is just another job! The more clients I get, and/or the more I charge them, the tighter and great number of strings there are attaching me to obligation. so what’s the alternative, right, owning a whole lot more than someone else so you don’t have to be bothered? i mean the whole thing is just fucked from the inside out. why can’t i just live with trees.

just completely totally uncomfortable and restless and irritable and depressed. so strange. the only thing i can make of it is that a big shift is happening and i can’t see how the pieces are changing, so it’s unclear / but it doesn’t feel like a lot of unkonwn, but more like feeling sick and tired of the bullshit. and then beinga persistent introspector i turn that light on myself, and so what can i do, i try harder or smarter or decide to be more patient with people, so it’s jsut all my fault , you know. i mean that’s retarded too. was laughing in hte shower how often i think of the ‘lucifer principle’ concepts and still have not read the book at all. so the basic concept as far as my mind has probably simplified if no warped it since i only heard about it, is that there are different like evolutionary teams. If I’m a yellow sponge and settle in red sponge territory, they may put up with it for a while, and the yellow sponge might find it to be interesting (yellow sponges are notorious for being curious about all other colors of sponges) around all these red sponges, but after a while, the red sponges will let the yellow one know it is not welcome, and/or nature itself seemingly conspires to let the yellow sponge know it should move along to some other spot. ok, that clicks with some cards earlier, and also how i’ve been feeling, but will take some more discovery before i feel something other than this yuck. anyway, seems to be right up there with the social cultural patterns ive learned about during the most horrible experiences of my life –there is a reason even if it’s ugly and barbaric. as well as some guidance towarrd the lighter side of how to work with this whatvr it is. i mean discovering what one doesn’t like may very well lead to discovering a way to make more clear or possible what one does enjoy, or will find more meaningful/relevant, i suppose.

update a couple hours later [ask and you shall receive]:

and when did i start eating meat? wtf? (i mean besides the occasional pepperoni pizza). i go from eating mostly raw, to fasting, to just whatever is easy to get. that *was* due partly to how tiny dark and horrible the kitchen at the old place was –i *did* try and made good stuff anyway, but fuck that shithole, time to go. then during the move we didn’t have dishes, so it was easy /fast food. you know… … i went from eating fast food no more than one meal per month (probably more like once every 2/3 months), to fast food at least once a day for the last 10 days-2 weeks or so. i’ve had at least a small amount of meat almost every day or like 1.5 days, when it was only fish and maybe a few pepperonis. and just like the trip to nd where every meal was basically meat on top of meat, it just…makes…me…feel…s.low. but the fast food chemicals and lack of nutrients angle….hmmmmmmm. omg, maybe it does explain the fog… cuz it surely has felt sort of like that. holy shit, is this what some other ppl feel like most ofthe time? omg, even more priority to unpack, wash dishes and stock new fridge with groceries. omg, i can’t believe how obvious that should have been. but i couldn’t see it or think clearly because i’m all fucked up on jack in the box. sick. and here i thought i could live on the edge for a couple weeks and not notice a big difference. guess that turned out to be pretty arrogant.lol: to imagine oneself impervious to the effects of fast food. naw, i just thought it wasn’t enough to be that bad, and hadn’t noticed the time that had passed -how many fast food meals –creepy.

i magically found a stack of old raw recipes i didn’t know i had the other day too, so that will be my guide to inspire me out of bed after i do this work and sleeeep… there is a light at the end of the tunnel

wow.

I didn’t even know that gma and gpa W knew each other when they were so young. This is a high school graduation picture:

We were going through old photo albums to put together a collection for the open house birthday celebration for g-ma’s 90th, and came across so many wonderful snapshots.

Spending time with grandma for her birthday -going up there- was so great and rich in many ways. It was wonderful and weird to see her house again, exactly as I remembered it –the attic steps smelled the same -Nick and I both said that, but it was all smaller, as Nick had said it seemed when he’d been up there a few years ago for the first time since we were kids. We used to spend every summer and holiday there with my grandmother. –My grandpa too, though, sadly, he died when we were quite young. I was 5 or 6. so i don’t have as many memories of him. My grandmother, Dorothy, has been my closest grandparent and sends me wonderful cards and well wishing all the time, she is so generous and supportive. My grandpa W, Merle, I remember being very loving to me and taking me around town with him, showing me off and buying me stuff. He had a great sense of humor and I suspect I get a lot of my adventurousness and drier humor from him.  I remember being just absolutely thrilled as a kid to see him, each trip as we would pull up, I’d run yelling to hug him. We had many good times together.

I knew I got a lot of my features from my grandmother (along with common sense brains in general), but some of these shocked me for how it felt like I was looking in a mirror or had gone through a time machine and taken a b&w picture of myself….or something very odd feeling (like the first one above)

Then in others she looks quite different. i think this is her senior yearbook picture.

When we were at my dad’s sister’s house and a bunch of his family were there, we inherited several photos from generous family members. Seeing pictures of dad’s parents so young is even more unique in many ways, because I saw them much less often than my mother’s parents, and have always wanted to know more about them, well both sets of g-parents’ earlier lives.

My grandfather Bruce about as I remember him, but youngerish:

how very young-and-handsome he looks in this next one!

i mainly remember his sense of humor and inventions and suspect is who/where i got my mechanical sensibilities from. i mean like feeling a machine and if it’s happy/running-well or not, feeling the interface of man and machine. that must have come from this quarter of grandparent.lol

this is about how I remember g-ma Bruce, but somewhat youngerish than when I spent most of the time I remember with her:

i remember her being very funny and playing games, and how cool it was when she visited that she looked at my garden. turned out she was the gardener of the family and it feels like I get my desire an love of green things and interest in growing/cultivating such things from her. Various interesting things about myself I’ve come to learn were also traits, interests or passions she shared.

this is probably the youngest i’ve seen her, though there were some earlier ones passed around while we were visiting, but I can’t recall for sure.

I have been trying to make time to work on grandma Bruce’s poetry site. I need to do that in March for sure, so more about that soon… Can’t wait– discovering her poetry thanks to aunt Tammy sending out the around the book of poetry after g-ma died, was a very rare gift. I still have not read every poem. Anyway, hope to have it all on the net sooner than later

omfg will someone pay me. it’s just one of those times when 5+ clients owe me for 1-3 weeks’ worth of work. i mean moving (colocating for 2 weeks too) took out a chunk and i’m working and workin (well again now, uh-hegm, with some 18 hour days), and don’t have time to unpack the frigging jumble pile of CRAP in the living room –that having been said, Squeebs was good enough to put in a few hours after his work last night and got quite a deal put away (into odd places I think have now order whatsoever, but the goal is not to live here longer than 6 months, so guess I won’t rearrange too much).

So, you get to know the something-for-nothing client pretty quick, and then there are the variations. This is a new breed, not a something-for-nothing, cuz clientX has forked over a lot of beans, yet do I not deserve to be compensated for my time? If clientX wants to go on making tweaks and changes, should I stop getting paid at some point because the total bill suddenly freaks them out? No, but I did agree to a ‘let’s wrap up A-Q inclusively’ sorts of deal because I try to see it from their PoV and ok, that’s fair enough for me. but then the wrap-up list expands. AHHHHHH!!!! AHH! no really, AHHH! why why why why hwy why why why why why – I just [after putting in FREE hour 20 or so] sent an amendment to our little i work for free agreement and resubmitted invoice. wish me luck

One step closer to getting roach-free -only had to kill about a dozen today so far. gross, i know, it’s amazing how many can hide in such small areas and stowaway like that. we’ve each got our own techniques when we spot a stowaway. Chad sprays the cloth and squashes em, I just spray em. great, right, after going to all the hassle of natural bug control, just to completely fail and lose a gecko. Got completely infested and are still dealing with the consequences though i have faith that I can see their end. It’s wicked, true and plain. We scream bloody war cries as we plunge across the room to squash or spray them. It’s all out war.

interject- new favorite (KMFDM) song – full worm garden . reminds me of something that i still cannot put my finger on, but anyway really beautiful. ogre on vocals. apropos: having decided I did not know enough KMFDM. partly AE inspired- and AE’s footage of KMFDM shows, but I had/have a lot to learn about them and how much of their music is *not just* the repetitive chanty campy stuff I tended to think of as KMFDM since sheesh like 93.

but yeah, the roaches. you gotta lead those fuckers when aiming the spray -what Chad doesn’t seem to get, and perhaps why he developed the squash variation –squishing is most effective and environmentally sound (I suppose more humane too), but I can’t squich em if they’re bigger than like 1 cm. ewwwww. anyway, those fuckers are fast. I got to thinking that one of these days when beebs finds a new job (gets away from he solvent ink fumes) his reaction time will vastly improve and we’ll all just be wowed with his increased agility.lol. I was up there with him on Sun as he was printing, and it’s godawfulobnoxious amounts of chemicals in the air. I did this a couple years ago, but again, found one of the ink boxes and researched the ingredients. supposedly the colored inks only can be ‘irritating’, but have been shown to reduce reaction time over a long period of exposure. then the black in is ‘possibly carcinogenic’ –which means it *is*, right. and that’s not including the weird plastic materials that get printed on, etc. anyway, so i was there for over 2 hours, and when we left I had a distinct ‘chemical pain’ all in the back of my neck and tops of my shoulders. which is interesting because that is where he’s always saying he’s sore when he comes home. I say ‘chemical pain’ because I just know it’s from chemicals. like when i go walking on the track anytime during 6:45AM-7/8PM I often get a ‘chemical headache’ from the increased motor vehicle traffic. There’s just something about the quality of pain, but also that it (the pain) has a taste/feel that matches up with how it smells in the air, like I’m sensing those particles concentrated in that part of my body. find another job!!! it’s insane, they have this like industrial air filter and then most of it is not even vented out of the room –it’s ths janky taped together boxes shooting into a warehouse next door –at such force that most of it stays in the room anyway, with a lady who has asthma, and 3-4 other workers; chad the only one who has to sit right by the beast most of the time. irresponsible employering.

So I had a birthday last week or so –yep, 33. my brain always says like 18 or something when someone asks me, though that happens less and less and i just draw a blank for a second. who cares. not me. I remember thinking i couldn’t wait to be old and ugly. not that i’m a babe, but just the kind of ‘attention’ that women have to put up with…tends to be much worse for younger women. not that it’s not fun to be young, i do try to appreciate youth, but alas what they say about youth being wasted on the young does seem to be true: like as the body sort of stiffens more easily and aches and pains, and I know that’s just a foreshadowing.heh oh the joys of life. seems like i had a sort of list of things i’d learned or finished developing in the last year, but if so, it escapes me now. i keep not journaling while the shit is fresh, so what do you expect?

been thinking about The Gits and Mia Zapata –people I did not know existed until about a week ago. the intro to the doc said it best: not jsut a punk band, or woman singer band, or singer who died tragically band, but a great all-round musically amazing and charged band. listen to the Gits . very interesting story and sub-culture and those kinds of people who had such a huge influence but are largely unknown, compared to the wave of liek grunge spotlight that happened just after, where bands they helped support/mentor became successful –yep, heard of 7 year bitch,  had not heard of the Gits. glad to have been enlightened. she was 27 when she died. no kidding. what is it about 27?