get in bed someone will fall in love
[SRT is a line that popped out at me while walking from a Marilyn Manson song, and summarizes one of the main gripes of my 20s. beyond that it *is* pretty random (the R in SRT) and has more to do with trying to decipher what is this like/like/dislike thing with the band itself]
they planted trees all around the track! sure it will be 60-80 years or so before they are anywhere near as magnificent as the big ones in the back of the park (also actually babies themselves compared to how long trees can live if given a chance), but they have that presence of tree, all the same. more trees.
feeling really spread sort of thin. too much work, should probably find more people to do it because i’m not finding enough time to project manage and get all components done. so then I’m also not finding time to see to responsibilities as GSJ mod, let alone catch up on personal email. it’s been a week since I got caught up on GSJ stuff. Then yesterday I was so exhausted from work and also some emotional upheaval that I didn’t get anything done yesterday except moving related stuff, sort of, oh and a lot of dreaming for the first time in weeks. just want to sleep for a bit longer… and then the whole day went by.
the worst part is falling behind in comm, so waking up bummed, rather than going through the whole lazy dark candlelight shower routine (or ‘disco shower’ -by chadder) not-a-morning-person routine, I just forced myself to approach the computer and skim though the 40 or so emails, jot off general ‘yes, everything is on track’ responses -and add another dozen notes to ever more nebulous to-do documents -[sigh] then I could schlep off and do some apartment moving crap for the rest of the day. wtf? just too much computer work, and it’s always emotionally challenging, the speed-parenting weekends.
had a good time. t flew in friday and we had sushi at the not-so-great-but-has-potential el pacifico. then strolled home and played settlers of catan, which we all really enjoy, so it was fun. went out for salad (without the salt) with parents. managed to avoid salt and sugar until desert -the whipped cream called to me. went out to pearland and played games with parents -forGOT catan so that sort of sucked, but we made due with other games. generally hung out, troubleshooted the web cam on t’s laptop so vid chat works now. that’s definitely something. watched a movie (up). came home and played catan. sun morning woke up, played catan –very different game, chad won hist first game, for one 
, but was different in several other ways, we were commenting on. had some time to show each /tandem-play some online games. showed him the crazy developments of the latest bloon game with the jedi monkeys and sun god super monkeys. teased me again about my fascination with tower defense games. gem craft chapter 0, that’s all i haveto say. took a cab to the airport, which was interesting. first it cost an extra $6 for the guy to drive 3/4 of a rectangle instead of just going the right direction to begin with. I commented ‘you could’ve just gone down to bellaire to begin with, hunh?’. He says that he always goes by his GPS. OK, great, except when it’s wrong. but whatever. then he’s on his cell phone, waiting until the last minute to veer across 4 lanes on the street to make turns at the last minute, etc. I look at t and c to see if they are getting all this / get some feedback. guy notices (i’m in the front) and gets off his cell. but it’s the same the whole way: his GPS doesn’t tell him to get over for a freeway change or street turn until about 1/4 mile / 200 feet (respectively) beforehand, so there he is veering across traffic again. though I did have some success with LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER to indicate he *could* get the hell over to turn before the turn itself. the funniest thing of all though, is when we exit the freeway onto some weird little street to get to Hobby. OK, fine, that’s one thing GPS is good for, the shortest distance route. Next thing I know we’re in a small group of cabs, apparently all following the same GPS directions, all with the same delay, so that there is not just one, but two or three cabs all veering across a 6-lane merge-then-intersection, in order to make the next turn. oh my.
T has become a truly advanced traveler –he prefers ‘expert traveler’, able to prepare his own stuff, including laptop splaying and all, for inspection by TSA Nazis. He was telling us how he’d come down with a container of sugar for some school project, and had to get checked out. so that’s become part of the trip, laughing and ridiculing the latest security bs thing that happens. maybe he’s glad to be old enough to do it on his own so he doesn’t have to hear me rambling on about the rights of the People and wondering why no one questions these things, etc. as we have to stand there and wait in line. lol. but i got to go through this last time even though he usually goes on his own now and behaved myself well enough. t pointing out how even more people had to go through the pat down procedure –like i have had to so many times, as he waits. ah, the ebbs and peaks of TSA fear theater, a dramatic saga in its own right.
which reminds me. dad said he was enjoying the david icke matrix/illuminati stuff i’d shared with him. had nearly forgotten about that. during our conversation i was reminded again how relevant what icke said is about how we are the ones who’ve built the invisible prison and are the jailers too. he told me about the elephant and the string , which i had not heard before. about the elephant who when grown still believes the string tying it to the stake is strong enough to restrain it, simply because this he does not question or challenge his own beliefs, such as where/who the beliefs came from, or if they serve his best interests.
which reminds me of the Power of Belief lecture i went to last week with mom. there was a lot of known and elaborated stuff like brain scans of before/after meditation/prayer, baseline/during after many weeks of meditation/prayer. which was interesting — the lasting differences, as well as seeing how some areas decrease in activity while other increase, like the parietal lobe activity decreasing along with feelings of oneness or bodilessness. interesting how the atheist asked to think about god showed signs of decreased activity in the frontal lobe and in general, struggling with the concept. so it was interesting the way he approaches dialogue and talks about finding generic meditations that can be adapted and used by any person regardless of their religion or beliefs. all that having been said, the main things I got out of it were: the brain is a believing-machine. many layers to this, but one correlation for me is how this ties into trying to understand people’s inability to take in all the information available to them / to me. as in talking with people about covert harassment, or civil rights in this or that situation, or even daily instances with chad where i’m like ‘why do you seem often frozen waiting for permission?’. whereas i want/need to take in new information, particularly when the current information shows itself to be lacking or implying a bigger picture I have not yet grasped, not everyone is like this. until one sees the mind as a believing-machine one does not see the point in choosing to have more of a hand in what one believes, with an eye for desired results, such as exploring additional perspectives or choosing beliefs which lead to greater opportunities, or…. choosing beliefs which make one feel better. ? hmmm. and the truth is, many people will choose beliefs based on what makes them feel better. quite often what makes them feel better is just to not redefine anything, not to budge the status quo line at all, because why bother? i just don’t get that, but anyway this model helps a bit. the other thing i got out of it was another angle on how stress affects the brain as in which areas are active or nonactive, and associated stress chemicals, how negative reactions to stress and negative beliefs are connected. basically, more info on something I already have thought and know a lot about: how with minimal effort enough confusion can be interjected into a person’s life, that they start questioning their ability to test their own belief-making-system, and when that happens, a huge cascade of stress and demoralization can happen, after which the slightest breeze can make them run screaming or a willing pawn or just scared to come outside and organize some humanity with their neighbors. anyway, yes stress hormones, cortisol. these come into the picture biochemically and already you have the tendency for a reduction of activity in the portions of the brain that have to do with deeper recharging and calibration of senses and other input, as well as output like abstract thought and being able to take step back. add some purposeful gaslighting to the mix, and it can take some doing to stop the spin. but once you know ..knowledge is protection.
so we went to look at the new apartment , since we can’t do the actual move and only the in-city pre-move move at this point. extra fee here, another one there. person couldn’t even prorate the rent correctly. 60 day move out notice? really?? month-to-month means ‘market value’ which just happens to be $300 higher than the awesome deal we’re getting -GAG ME WITH A STICK. really?? every step of the way is: individual being fucked by a corporation. and the worst thing about it is whenever i question or comment anything, the person is all like ‘well yeah, that’s business for you.’ as in ‘that’s the company, not me’. the same fucking irresponsible, juvenile someone-else-think/do , it’s not my job to make the world a place we want to live in or want for our children -attitude. i mean fuck it let’s just all be slaves for the few elite and just stop developing as a race altogether how fucking lame is that?
so i’m as ch puts it ‘extolling the virtues of worst case scenario’ thinking, -inmy defense, i said if, as a more emotionally-centered person (which he is) were to take one thing from the intellectually-centered person, it should be the value of worst-case-scenario thinking. it’s so quick and handy for avoiding robotic reactionary hypnotic suggestion of the invisible prison, as it were- or one application that came up today. but then he points out that he’s rather just feel the positivity of the move –good one, chad. all i have to say is at least i don’t stand at intercom speakers seeking permission to enter a gate that is already open. that to me is so hilarious it hurts. and aside from that stuff, i don’t think i’m being negative i’m being realistic, who noticed the incorrect rent amount? who is not yet moving to dallas even though she could and maybe some stress is wondering if you care enough to find a job there or if in 6 months we’ll just be living there with me still leading this and that. which is this whole other topic of types of people and learning from people and loving people and how there still are other people dare i say family or team members whom i would like to spend time with as well.
anyway, feeling some catharsis, going back to bed for couple hours