I Can’t Wait for You to Fuck Me Up
Grooveshark update inspires this mention. interface is just all round easier to use and more intuitive. Think I’ll add a playlist/artist page for my own easy listening when not at home/near my hard copies (don’t even have to login to listen to playlist via link). For now, some links to what I’ve been into just lately.
Want to completely change a mood, can’t go wrong with MSI:
Mindless Self Indulgence playlist
seems we’ve made the switch to streaming music for casual listening (while working, etc). for so long we’ve just listened to what we’ve bought on CD and ripped or downloaded. It’s nice to have easy access to music for whenever, and also the best quality stuff to collect (pay for!) and listen to for serious enjoyment[?] 
– I suppose i understand better now Cevin Key’s response to pirated music– [what he said] revolving around the reduced quality of the music that is most available through such channels. -now that it’s been a few years getting to know quality of the different formats and what to look for, etc.
had an interesting talk with Chad about clicktracks. I mean what all is possible with CTs is really something worth considering for the experimental and ambitious. it gets old with some genres that should just stay pure and organic like, and so i digress into random opinion. i’m all for recording/presenting an organic, analog experience. but then there’s this whole other sphere of exploration. some do amazing things, elevating the primal to newer realms of awareness or something new anyway. um, away from analog versus digital in general…but anyway
MSI is a great example of something very synthetic, but very organic in the creation, the fun comes through. There is a great intelligence and sense of humor, layering and flinging all the pieces around. went looking for some more-info/interviews. Jimmy Urine said about writing the songs -in response to if they’d ever do a serious song, that he often wrote about the stuff (serious, mundane, etc ?) in his life, then would find a chorus, something that popped through. then he trashes the verses and builds new ones around the chorus –with the main criteria being what sounds good. yes
so what all has been going on… playing catchup all week workwise because… went to the Renaissance Festival last weekend for the first time. been on some to-do list for over ten years. it was indeed as fun as people say -where some freaks are wont to assemble /these and normal people freely mix (it’s fun just for that) -as well as commercial leeches, but nothing on the scale of Six Flags or anything. great people watching. could definitely see myself going another year and making a whole weekend of it. along the buying stuff level, I got away with having only spent a couple hundred on the few beers we had -j/k- and got some great stickless incense (theanandaline.com) that I knew would be good, but yeah, like the man said, i’d be wanting to order more –even better than the natural stick incense I admittedly invested in buying a case of (the stuff is expensive otherwise!). T got a couple of really cool instruments. we had fun being mischievous and trumpeting his horn horn (a horn made from the horn of an animal) at odd places to hear it below out across the land. I didn’t get to see the glassblowing and falconry that I wanted to, but did get to (sort of could see) a fighting demonstration (funny play) where they used different weapons and styles of fighting. very funny. and looks like a lot of fun to put on too.
seems I’ve left some Mouravieff notes in the gap again as I’ve continued, finishing up the end of Gnosis I. but, some gists that come to mind: along with explaining how/why moving from external man to man4 is the most difficult step, he talks about the positive way and the negative way (poles, not good and bad). The negative way is for Man3 (intellectual) and involves sort of ruling out the illusion through reason and logic. It’s a process of reduction. The positive way is for Man2 (emotional) and is positive/additive in that he tunes into emotional elements -these are aspects that have always been there, have developed into higher emotions. Anyway, the portion I’m reading is reminding of these distinctions and points to an earlier page. It occurs to me that it’s about both approaches. As the intellect picks apart everything, and comes to its rarer but solid models of truth, so too have earlier emotional knowns proven to have survived the little deaths of all the introspection movements where things like hypocrisy are viewed, played with, sorted (one example). and so when these emotional/spiritual/right-brain truths float into view again, they are refined, better informed. this is what we call faith i think –one type of interplay/result between the intellectual and emotional paths of the work in moving from external to internal man (man4…).
M says that the real transition/threshold, the test, is marked by being able to meet life (the challenges) from both the intellectual and emotional centers. the example he gives is to hear the rational judgment of the intellectual center, but also considering what the emotional center has to say. -for those unfamiliar, this is referring to the higher versions of these centers, and their new relationships with each other as we strip off all the little I’s and begin to form a real I.
Anyway, as I’m doing the suggested back-reading, it occurs to me that I see the relationship between the emotional and intellectual centers in way I didn’t before: hey, it’s not about one or the other (which I could see as individually important, and could especially relate to the intellectual), I can see the ways that reconnecting the more developed emotional center has also been a big part– when I flipped back, and M goes on to say just that: that for each person it’s a mixture of the two, finding how to connect the centers into the newer magnetic center.
I want to finish book one this weekend because I’ve been re-re-reading earlier sections of it for a while. I want to start book two but don’t want to miss anything. Sure i’ll come back to it. I’m also reading Obama’s ‘the Audacity of Hope’ –after finishing ‘Dreams from my Father’ last weekend. As much as I enjoyed ‘Dreams..’ I was hoping to get onto more of how he went about deciding and/or moving from law school to where he’s at now, but as soon as I start reading it I’m struck by the relative informative dryness -it’s not really dry, just that I’ve been reading it when I’m too tired. He’s an excellent writer. Several times I had that feeling I think we all week in reading books, to hear something we’d thought or felt expressed in words. sometimes it’s a sense of relief and sometimes more like serendipitous gift: “wow, I didn’t know it was possible to put that into words”. I was commenting to T on this and he said that his books were a big part of his rise to success, getting noticed. He keeps up on that sort of thing more than I do. Thanks, T. Also reading a bit of Lovecraft and about to dig into a Hodgson collection my dad lent me. It’s been a few years since I put down Lovecraft, which had remained part of the reading rotation for a couple years straight, so re-reading and having found some new pieces will be fun. I’m especially intrigued by what the Hodgson stuff will be like. I’ve only read a couple of his stories before, as well as the awesome ‘the House on the Borderland’. i think talking it up might ruin it for someone else, so I’ll try not to, but have to say that i’ve never been so enthralled like where-the-fuck is the story going to go from here?. Good stuff.
have several projects, professional and fun going…and then the fucking GSJ forums issues. finally had it with the usually not too demanding duties, and shut it down for a day. what a great day. I decided I didn’t have to answer any GSJ emails and would just let the forums experiment fall away and have more time in a week to do other stuff. let’s summarize. in the setting up, as with the site, there is one known that goes like: as for any relevant material/information that can be recorded by one person and utilized as helpful by another (in the way the culture and myth work normally), the vast majority of people either cannot understand any particular material, OR they have already arrived at their own understanding, along their own unique path -well, these people have no need to. –for the second group, coming across another person’s accounts can be very interesting and validating; it’s not likely to provide revelatory information, except for those others who are also actively progressing, if we can find a way to appropriate the other’s POV. yet, there are those few people who are seeking that little bit of something — validation, witnessing– something to compare-contrast with their own puzzle pieces in order to come to greater closure.
anyway, we all gravitate to those who will teach or learn to/from us. And so when it comes to something like forums, particularly forums about the self-referring blob of hive and how it treats the Individual, by it’s nature it’s a honey pot of sorts, whether intentionally (as the pop term implies duplicitousness) or literally, just plain attractive to stalker types. This has been obvious from the beginning. And so the experiment is not something I hoped to measure in terms of success or failure (or certainly not that I think success means keeping them out), but more like to get some stats/understanding of a possibility that real informative connections can be facilitated for some. Is there a need? Can it be met by direct connections between those people looking for connections or can it be better met by a discussion forum? questions like this. so naturally it matters little if what’s likely ends up happening (stalkers drawn to forum), but at this point it’s more about personal quality of life. I don’t need the forums. I’d just as soon not have them. But, going on the experiment of seeing if I can do some small part in providing a forum useful to others who want it, providing just another little hub where connections can happen –if I can figure out how to keep that available and at the same time it doesn’t eat into my time and energy too much, well I’ll do that. So a couple of days ago I decided it had crossed that line (fun to tedious) and rather than stop working or what else I wanted to do that day, just locked the forum down. Since then I decided just to boot the squeeky wheels and adopt some new stances on general management, which amounts to: management, and turn the forums back on. I’d gotten to where I had less and less time and so was stopping by less frequently to add my cents to the threads, and do like to participate, but had gotten to be more of a chore with all the other stuff I’ve got going on. So, perfect time to just let that which doesn’t matter truly slide. If it’s meant to be it can manage on it’s own for a few weeks. I have so many things coming up in the next few months, and shifting energies generally, that I’d like to shift to just technical admin and let it do its own thing, but not sure that’s possible either. I’m willing to watch it live out its course if my not being around as much allows that to happen. Tom was helpful in his advice about forums being like relationships. I’m glad I asked for his advice at the beginning of the experiment.
oh yeah, a general Mouravieff lesson about the applicability of the three forces: pos/negative/neutralizing. Ch and I were talking about music, and darkness or something because I was going on about my recent favorite combinations like Skinny Puppy, Velvet Acid Christ and Mindless Self Indulgence. he was teasing, like we do (about who’s the bigger fanboy-girl:P or whtvr). so I laid this whole 3 forces thing on him –(a story about this idea of SP being ‘dark’): SP is the negative, the turning over of pieces, deduction, Shiva (the path to convergence/synthesis if you’re paying attention); MSI is the positive, thesis, fun, fulgent creativity; VAC is the neutralizing force -to me anyway, a lot of his stuff is this sort of soothing black noise, the world of ideas breaking up into bubbles that pop all over the asphalt, hit the ground running –but sort of just watching all of it from a slight distance. It occurs to me to replace VAC with Beethoven (works well, but only choice pieces), or MSI with TMBG (same note, less so -or Ohgr, or a more topical and obvious substitution), but yeah, I like the three forces model. We could have rearranged who plays which roles, but it’s an interesting exercise any way, and Ch was entertained 
it brought to mind more stuff roughly surrounding myth and the moving into a more mythical and psychic mode of experience, and more clearly the role that discovering/listening to SP played, a big part in helping me find my way across the first real abyss. I say real because i’d always had some sense of walls or distance ->i’ve been riding the cutting now for some time, it seems. BUt anyway, back in highschool it was one of several music groups that I put on a list of for-sure-check-out but hadn’t come my way naturally during that phase of hermetical calibration (or something) I went though just sitting and thinking. At that time, or a couple of years before actually, I’d come across Faith No More, and after hearing ‘the real thing’, got really into them, then mr. bungle (who else makes a multi-movement song about the bends), I got to where I would await each new album with anticipation because each one seemed to offer some discrete amount of ’sideways perspective’ -something that fired a connection with my own stuff/info and provided a whole new way of seeing something or other. after all, perpendiculars (sideways thoughts) are the ways to new dimensions. Anyway, during that time I listened to a lot of Mike Patton and as I digested each new work it occurred to me that there was something like a skill, and thought of it as Pantheon. same as knowledge of or working with archetypes. i could hear him telling me these great stories about himself and perspective through acting out these different roles. I mean that’s what makes a great artist, lyricist. But I suppose like with anything, there are different ways in which such a skill can be used.
Patton says that he thinks people read too much into his lyrics, and that he chooses words because of how they sound more often than what they mean. that might be the case -or a handy way to stop endless meandering philosophical discussions with fans. It could be that that is simply what I had my hands on at the time, but either way, I listened to so much Mike Patton during the ’swimming in info’ phase that it/his version of myth making (though in more of a sound exploration way than words, ok, i get it) sort of melded with me for a time. Chad brought up there being a difference between singers and poets, and that quite often the best poets are not the best singers. I suppose that bears out, as a lot of my favorite lyricists are more like magicians/artists of symbols/memes and I don’t notice if they can sing or not. It’s all about the flow of ideas and how it intertwines with the music. I get using the voice as an instrumental instrument, but I think it brings to another level to engage the mind and psyche along with the more primal motion oriented stuff.
Jump ahead 12 or 13 years or so, I still hadn’t gotten around to listening to SP -hadn’t forgotten, but hadn’t come up yet, (except for some negative connections others told me about, like some thugs torturing someone and the newspaper said they listened to SP –as a very asidelike tangent, skip to end to see closure on this detail). I’m dealing with an influx of strange experiences, but also keeping pretty focused on just moving along, getting through the day (already pieced together the mechanics of such groups of scapegoaters, but hadn’t the label of ‘organized stalking’ yet). Ch and Ryan, both friends from the Waco days, infected me with a bit of SP and it was like an instant melding as soon as I got alone with it. -heard a few songs, but needed to investigate and listen closer, really listen, hear more songs, and I was fixated -(note I chose not the word ‘fascinated’ or ‘obsessed’), but like it was just very relevant sounding stuff -it was true, plain and simple. In hindsight it’s interesting to me that as I kept trying to just go about life and ignore the weird stuff that had happened/was happening externally, I’d go for these long walks in the woods there. I’d put together a disc of the first SP I could get my hands on, so it was random, but ended up being a lot of stuff from Too Dark Park, I think and couple from the Process. I suppose it was a meditation of its own sort, walking walking through the green forest, rolling along with the music. I was walking along through this mythical landscape, yet unaware of the increasing drama that was about to unfold in the external, impinging world. In hindsight, this was a buoy, a beacon, like many of my own, but dear for its being validation from another sentient being. But back to the flashback…another came to mind. It was the *sound* of it, like how truth has a flavor, that drew me to finding more SP.
–which reminds me of connection found in the Gnosis series -development of the higher emotional center brings the ability to discern truth from lies -truthsaying. I’ve enjoyed how certain signals shine clearly relevant and helps me tune in to those (music, topic of research, person) -there is a truth, a relevance. The next step was in starting to be more able to tell when people are lying, which is just sort of unpleasant because i just don’t really get lying. I mean it’s interesting too, but to sit and mull over so-and-so’s motivations and reasoning evident in their not-so-obfuscated-as-they-think-spiel –that is the lower intellectual overacting there -second guessing to a degree of self doubt. I mean I think I could tell before, but just didn’t care –as long as my safety wasn’t threatened, I figured who am I to ruin their storytelling. What changed, is more pressure, more people trying to get one over on me. not in a personal way, just ‘the way the world is’. my wonderful ‘fool’ has worn a bit thin -just a bit.
I remember as my experiences in the small town got really weird around me, I found more and more joy in tuning into the oh so rich and dark (deep) soundscapes of SP. I hadn’t yet gotten to the lyrics. It just drips with progress and I wasn’t in a hurry to dissect it. Funny too how when Ch visited and the spiers spied my processing their garbage, I got the cute little cartoon about the girl who listens to SP killing herself. Point being, on many levels I don’t get the ‘don’t listen to darkness, or it will make you (feel) dark’ reasoning, though I have to say the label is not entirely lost on me: I’ve only ever had to pull over in the middle of a pitch dark 3-am highway to *just breathe* from the effects of ingesting SP (well there were other factors, but aren’t there always) and all it showed/brought to mind. The utter silence of west Texas breezes sitting on the highway side to wait for semblance of order/known/bearings to reappear.
So anyway, it’s fun now to take a look at how natural it was to have discovered one of the tools I would need to in order to create and use my own guide through the underworld as it were.
Cuz around the time the drugging and stalking stuff started happening -and mostly after, I had all these strange new ideas, and all of mythic proportions, but one such surrounded this idea of having to become a storyteller. this idea that some transition was in being able to tell an entertaining story perhaps as proof of some understanding. course I can see how this is tied in with myth making, it’s role, now, but at the time it came it all sort of interesting flavors. Like I was really intrigued by the characters in the Clive Barker ‘Everville’ (Great and Secret Show sequel) book, who were like these 3 asynchronous, powerful/free characters who showed up to watch the great dramas of the world. There is one guy who is paid by these 3 for ‘finding’ the most entertaining dramas. naturally, when he can’t find them he does what is called for to help nudge them into existence: great disasters of various kinds. So, that was a weird mutation in the myth making process (->time crunch feeling of finding/creating the best story) -representing what? deciding to take it on at all, perhaps.
I was also thinking about the idea of how ‘enlightened beings’ of history leave behind their stories as sort of clues that others can use to fit into their own workings, not that I saw how the two chains of thought were connected; there was a lot a stuff happening at the time. but now i see the pattern of: make sense, it’s up to me to make sense, create a story about it, the path/process i’d experienced and was experiencing. hunh, now i see all these other little things back then too, speaking of creating meaning however we see fit / grouping by meaning rather than cause and effect.
back to SP. As I did start listening to the words, I found it to be even more relevant because it was seemingly, just that: some candid snapshots of processing and plateaus or great peaks of developed synthesis here and there, and yeah, fun with sound. I don’t know what I would have thought of stuff like TDP or any of it, had I heard it earlier, but to me what might be classified as the darker underbelly stuff spoke to me, but from a place just past it, from someone who had already had the experience –sometimes it’s been this quality of experience, and sometimes I’m there looking back at a similar past-me. or sometimes I’m listening to a particular and more personal tangent. and those are great too because they’re like these shapes that one can compare in such right-brained ways, and you can just *hear* this or that experience, or truth, or wht-hav-u, and can see how it fits with your own pieces, your own experiences, and where they differ. It’s music that holds true in its relevance on every dimension, constantly open to the state of things and trying various reactions and proactive movements.
Because I found SP so relevant, and is so fluid, I had to assume I’d projected some particular meaning (of a more personal/in-my-life nature) when it came to what I resonated with specifically about covert harassment shit. I mean the themes are there and out in the open, are woven into the lyrics (‘bein mind controlled by the bully on the street’) of them and contemporaries’ works, and spoken about in type on their site. I really enjoy and value the SP spin on bringing attention to issues, along with the very human snapshots and psychonaut explorations. So, despite the fact that there were a few pieces in particular that just reached in and connected with some very specific emotions/thoughts/triangulation of some of the experiences related to OS, I was very surprised to hear many of the same experiences had occurred to the speaker. I couldn’t explain that what I’d been through that night hadn’t been that bad except for the hook tricks I hadn’t learned not to be surprised by yet. I suppose he must deal with people projecting their stuff onto him over his years of performing -and has figured out some ways of channeling that through the music, I mean it is a shamanic vehicle. I suppose there are different ways of doing this transpersonal shamanic thing, for me it has been different than writing songs. What I’m getting at is that I learn more about how to do this work from myth makers like SP, like K Ogilvie (not to mention the musical wizards who also pour themselves into what is SP -but I’m emotionally retarded – i don’t always see that level -more on this later). Does being a sort of figurehead for anti-counter-culture (or something ;p) make for just as intense targeting experiences as the drugging mind hack routine I experienced? (Of course it comes from a deeper layer, a deeper cause to the visible effects. similar paths, similar obstacles) I mean I could feel caught-in-the-headlights from earlier events that night, just because of hooks put in place when i was drugged beyond any semblance of lucidity. They could really catch me off guard –for a period of WTF time. Has he gone through periods where hooks suddenly appear without remembering where they’d been able to get in, in the first place? is that part of a more common experience? or for someone who under public scrutiny and interacts with crowds and shit, is it like a more constant tension between the secular, like [peoples' tensions and shadow stuff] and their own unique experience aside from any public presentation, such that it can be easier to expect fucked up people/events popping up– I guess you could say- ? eh, life is the unexpected, i forgot what i was trying to say.
I think back to what was said about ‘mechanics’ . I think what was meant by ‘once you understand the mechanics [it's not too upsetting]‘ was meant as like those are the basic bullying mechanics of people showing up to harass. but the way i heard it was through this layer of experience of dealing with them where i’d been in this mythic shard of reality with all these nefarious energies seemingly coming at me. this is how it felt, and colored reality in bursts before I could like ground again. intellectually i knew the tricks and games, and i knew that the little spied/hacked triggers are and endless bag-of-tricks that gets old too, but couldn’t explain the very real symbolic/mythic type messages flying at me (the way it was so real like a virtual reality played out on top of the normal). so, when the thing about mechanics was said, it made me think of people’s shadows, how perhaps it was that simple. all the energies able to come to life by placing just a few triggers –was a different frequency of experience where (because of scapegoat/shaman mechanics which I already understand intellectually and empirically), I was really seeing/feeling/living a lot of the dark stuff the group was projecting onto me. ANd of course it’s like a black hole when this is happening and one loses a context, other stuff piggybacks if it gets going.
Anyway, it was very helpful to have a label for realizing those experiences are on a specific type of frequency, to see a new perspective of the mechanics of energy that tends to happen between crowds and shaman. And perhaps that is what was meant by ‘but, once you understand the mechanics‘, but either way, that’s what I decided to get out of it. In connecting that way I discover that we are both shaman, that I am too –not in a logical way (as it’s not too difficult to see where culture thinks one should best over a lifetime), but in a visceral, empirically demonstrative way.
[Here's to one of my favoritest myth makers] .less than a month to SP 2009 :0
in zooming out from that ‘the buoy of myth in transversing the abyss’ bit above (reminds me of concept for new painting –first glo attempt i think, we’ll see. note:need more boards), how could I have forgotten about 311? oh wow, here’s a model for ya: besides the fact that development I think involves a kind of intellectualizing of the other facets of self, I can see Sp as having represented the intellectual center and 311 the emotional center in this more recent phase of trying to align and calibrate the higher centers in relation to my supposed relatively new magnetic center (real I?). course these centers each have facets of the other, which bears out with the SP/311 model quite well. anyway, during the great involution before the greater storm [let's call it] I listened to just about only SP and 311, all other music having been temporarily ruined. 311 were these beings of past/future truth beaming in through the cracks. also some excellent lyrics, words, flow.
Into whose womb were you woven (woven)
what kin of your skin dropped you then bodies cloven
light of daybreak blinded next exit
the wild darkness forming in side it
my day wasn’t promised me each death it brings
reminding me we are rumbling in this
cursed universe where death is a birth
think not but what your manifest is worth
giving up a verse the curse occurs a thirst
to burst first breaking through the center of the universe
slamming down on the lingo flow so jam to
the bum rush single long ago has been become now
when you find out there’s no break in the rhythm
black anima makes my stamina stand alone
disown the cinema, farewell to posing decades dozing
coming up the steps of the new screen rising
scenes from the lost world shapes hard to tell
which is which as if drawn by a child, holmes311 – lyrics: Hexum, Martinez and Vincent
halloween – there’s a sushi place nearby now. chad found it. different: asian latin fusion seafood. we had some things we really loved the weirdness of, and some I wont get again. oo, something I hadn’t had before was flavored sake: lychee. better than i’d thought , worse than chad had. walked and hung out in the park for a while, just the two of us, sitting on the stone bench-and-table.
– Skinny-Puppy\torture tangent, continued from above :
It’s not *because* I’d heard that SP was connected to the horrible torture story (I ended up finding out was true (details published in newspaper) several months after hearing it through the grapevine), as to why I did not yet get around to fully trying on SP back in the day (meaning 10+ years ago), but that when I heard the news, it made the ‘organic exposure’ requirement for actually getting around to trying out SP that much higher -so as not to adulterate my first listen with negative prejudice-impression. ANYway, this turns out to be interesting *not* because of the torture theme in general, which is noteworthy (the details of my having been drugged/tortured -the beginning of gang stalking, and correlations to group-torture of the guy in this case in Houston way previous to my exp -when I was like 17), but that the array of details align deeper as well, such as the theme of ‘escaping only to return and find oneself in the same scenario again’. Eh, and before you start thinking this is randomly SP-centric logic, the topic of SP did not come up at all with regard to my own run-ins with the General Law (covert harassment) until a few days after a particularly intense reconstruction project to understand the dissociative state I experienced while drugged. –barring my own more-organic discovery of SP over the last 4-5 years, as I was just getting around to ‘finally trying out SP’ right around when all the craziness was about to unfold, and even more so in the few years after, during all the sorting. Anyway, during the reconstruction experiment (which went smoothly until the end) I suddenly lived out this incoming directive to… ‘figure it out/take the leap of faith or absolute-death’.. which then twisted nefarious regurgitating message/questions like ‘what if killing yourself is the only way’. umm, weird several minutes where I played with different ways of experiencing/responding to the messages. Then it was over. Very intense, but wasn’t going to kill myself. I could sort of see the template tags from the mind hack sessions. So a few days later I get this silly little comic strip emailed to me about a girl who kills herself listening to SP. Not a random meandering g-stalking account, patience. Example of truth sandwiched and wrapped up inside some scary lies –a flavor of paths walked recently. Also, an example of the two dualities being just that, part of a converging whole; within even the negative framework are clues/emanations of a progressive networking (of Forerunner-Spirit energies/types) force: in many ways SP was brought to my attention (both in highly correlative negative wrappings, and more-organically as such an intersection was called for). Found SP and related works to be some of the most relevant stuff around with which to resonate; the adventure, as well as the necessary tools arise (in this case, one being the tandem myth-making of SP) to meet the adventurer. The chaff/tares stimulate and provoke the ’seeds’ to develop. These seeds become many channelers of Forerunner-Spirit, to aid in the eventual converging, pulling up of us/it all,and on into the next major progression/Octave.