temperance
tarot has been really clear, like a mirror catching every little thing going on in my life, so that’s interesting (not that i use it very much at all, but I can seem to tell when it will be clear or muddy the last couple times I sat down with it). came up with a single card: temperance. again and again: patience. I’d asked how I’m to realign things to the film (referring to my last general post ->this one) so that we can get on with getting to know each other, since those signs have not changed, are still on course as far as I can see. Except I have to grope around in the dark talking to myself rather than have a conversation, because: as you wish.
there’s nothing i can say to prove the truth of the relevance and how it’s not going to just go away, but if it is to be, you will come to your own conclusions and we will meet again. point being, that one can dismiss something that is actually relevant, but one can open to ‘what is relevant’ without fear of falsely proving a particular relevance; if you consciously engage a possibility you can determine if it is correct or incorrect: open to B influences and see what conclusions you come to. You were not functioning under the B-influences I knew you’re capable of when you decided to cut off our friendship, just my opinion.
Why did you keep my letters (I mean until the great purging when Jo came along –I imagine a burning ritual)? Because we were friends? Because that didn’t die off even when we got pulled further apart? Why? B-influences, something meaningful.
Why did it bother Jo that you had them? I mean all the answers I can come up with are A-influence worries: that I would marry you/ steal you, or related concerns, that she would be left alone, that you two could not successfully pull off the happy bonding family scenario? I mean only a couple of those are not completely A-influence stuff, but practical considerations. I mean why do I have to hear about this imminent or critical or future certainty relevance between us if all I get is knowledge of what I don’t have? Ok, that would still be potentially useful in a very cold and general way, but there’s no other reason for the specifics to have been the way they have. Do you think that someone’s polar being would not show up in their life? Supposing this (PBs) is possible, what kinds of exchanges do you think these two people might have, amidst the struggle of becoming adults, battling heavy incoming moral pressures, the pulls to general drama and to settle into the rut in the record. Why did you make that OBE happen? Why do you assume that whatver might happen will be something negative, or do you not assume that but are living out what you’ve set in motion for now/still?
what could you have meant by not wanting to be seen? why would you have said that to me? If it’s about some meaningful transparent seeing/sharing, and if that’s part of a greater learning curve, How long can we put it off? Can we? What would a more proactive stance be?
Re: not wanting to be seen, (I think ). I’m scared too. On one level, I think that the polar being deal is like a baby step to accepting merging with the everything. But if that’s the worst of it, I can’t imagine a better introduction or intermediate state. I mean we all die, why not shoot for something interesting? for whatit’s worth, I think this is an example of seeing a skewed/mirror-type of what actually happens (because a threshold is crossed a flip is not accounted for in the relating ?), I think the two beings become truly unique and individual, but the threshold that is crossed involves a sort of intimate sharing and problem solving that is suited for beings with a particular, polar relationship to each other. We fear approaching this unknown, and imagine many versions of ‘absolute death’, but when we’re ready to confront it, it’s not nearly as bad as we might have imagined. Like I was saying in the last post, I think that we ourselves leave clues, that there is a subconscious accumulation of data, formation of understanding, and these are impressed upon the filmstrip, which informs us as we go along (and in whole visions and time travel bits when we approach the threshold and need for someone to do that work with). until eventually some things just jel and we have access to new dimensions of self, or ideas of how to get there anyway.
On several other levels –the other embedded truths I’ve found in travels along my film -besides it yelling at me [notice him!] (you)—I have some ideas about the illusions that might be shed, and how, like with many death/birth transitions, we tend to imagine something much more devastating and extreme than how it plays out in actuality. I think we’re babes in the wilderness. I think I have found access to the Way, but can’t say how far along I am or what specifically comes next, except that with some persistence, contemplation and patience I’ll manage to bring some of these fuzzy images back in line. There is a *lot* of matching truths in this Gnosis series, to my own experiences, more than any other one book/source, and so I must consider these related topics, such as readdressing all the PB signs with you. Babies. I think we haven’t done any of this before, and we’re learning as we go along. I think the magician’s hand is just a degree of becoming more response-able and so also freer. It’s a transition. It’s like growing a bit, and looking back in panic to see that you were not as free in your movements as you’d thought, the difference in perspective creates this effect of you or some conscious entity having manipulated the earlier, more familiar situation. If you cling, it’s some scary borderland not to approach again. If you just hang on a second longer, the effect passes, it’s just an illusion. did the magician frighten you that badly? Naturally, we’ll never be the Absolute, we’ll never have that amount of liberty, but a step closer to spirit and away from matter is a step toward greater freedom. Choosing to align with B-influences is choosing to be born, to move from the natural involution of spirit spreading out into matter, to pick up those reigns and evolve into a unique conscious being, in my opinion. I know that you must be considering this B-type stuff again, or will again at some point relatively soon, because I have reached a degree of development such that these things (thoughts, perspective that I’m sharing with you) have occurred to me, such that I was able to see you for what/who you are; I know that your time tables cannot be so very different from my own. Remember what you said about not being certain if you could say that you would miss me if we parted ways, because, after all, people tend to grow at different rates and who’s to say we’d remain relevant to each other. ? Let’s see.
why did you find Jo suddenly after deciding I wasn’t the right person to get to know better? do you think it’s related to not wanting to approach some unknown, the B-influences (or is that just me)?
why would i have had these visions and that OBE roughly all about trying to wrap our minds around what evolution in relationship might be like, the transparency and freedom, dual controls, etc? Why would I have had these experiences? I mean you don’t think I made them up, do you? I know you spent at least several years of your life being open to subjective experiences and have a grasp for how these are actually the most common / true experiences that tell us about deeper meaning. So it seems safe to assume that you don’t think they’re meaningless. I mean sure there are other layers of introspection and shit they could be about, where I’ve inserted you as that person, but no, that’s not true, those are different modes and frequencies, and besides, some of the messages seem to have manifested to disprove just such remaining gaps, like when you proved to me it was you in the OBE. Why did you do the dream instigation thing? I mean have you not downloaded the results I did, or are you simply unraveling, living out the choices and things you set in motion, regardless? I don’t think that the two are mutually exclusive, but I know you know someone who has a different opinion.
Temperance, the cards say.
Anyway, along with expressing remorse for having complicated our film, I renounce this silly notion that these have all been silly notions. regarding the first part, i think that getting caught up in the relationship and stuff I did was an error, just like I think that your getting caught up in this whole marriage thing –but possibly necessary errors. I mean I certainly wouldn’t go back and undo them, nor would you, I’m sure. There are other people involved, though I suspect these people would have found ways into our lives, assuming they are main characters and not just A-indluence anchor-beacons. I know my son is one of the former (team member), I feel like a team with him, a deeper connection.
As for all these B-influence type impressions being fantasy: Whatever differences we may have had while trying to navigate the churning waters, these are very meaningful impressions that remain relevant as seen through my now more developed ‘higher emotional and intellectual centers’. these are some of the things that the Gnosis series has brought up for me. As I read some of his descriptions for how encountering one’s PB might feel, or the different possible outcomes based on whether they recognize the gift of being able to work together toward the inevitable goal, or if/why they oftentimes do not recognize each other. And how even if they do, complications brought into the mix from earlier A-influence modes tend to be the biggest problems in realigning oneself with the film
it got me to thinking about my own experiences with the things he was describing, it was very validating in many ways. I thought the ways you made me feel –suddenly these ideas about there being a purpose to really getting to know someone , and them knowing you, and some ‘sharing of pieces’, mutual understanding creation – I thought these terms puzzle pieces, etc, were my own, just to describe these ideas knowing you seemed to inspire. But these are the same things that M says such polar beings do. He talks about it like it’s a shortcut, a bonus to get to know this other being early on and so benefit from having a partner to do more of the mythic processing errr stuff. As I read the descriptions, several memories unrolled from their suspension slots deeper in there somewhere. The descriptions were the same as how I perceived meeting you, with all the meta experience and whatnot. This opened up a lot of emotion. A lot of feeling-knowns that I could never forget, but hadn’t consciously thought of in a long time. It’s a combination of pure joy and gratitude, balance, -and- longing, unsatisfied need, missed understanding. For the most part, the positive side sustains me, as I know that patience is required, but naturally, I’m not too excited at the prospect of living out the rest of my life, knowing exactly where I fucked up -as some link to eventual success. so anyway, i’m not willing to shove those feelings away anymore, I can see the distortions that came of that denial– the necessary shifts to dismiss it all were not healthy for me.
I miss you. I may not know you in all the ways your best friends or wife knows you, but I do miss you, I miss leaving off in the getting to know each other process. I can’t deny that there is truth to these connections we have yet to explore, or that I don’t know what comes next, but I want to interact with you.
where are you at with the whole contemplative life thing? where are you at with regard to A and B influences, the deeper path/way and ‘free movement complications’? Are you meditating or something along those lines? Are you occupied with family and/or work life? So what if I’m wrong, the concept of a PB or this way of possibly evolving into a new dimension of being, these sound pretty good to me. How about this? I will ask for and seek clarification on the general topics, and you do the same. And we’ll see if this draws us closer or not. Seems fair for you to do your own research and defining what constitutes superficial or deeper meaning (A and B influences), the possibility of dimensional growth, the role of a ‘polar being’ being, etc –rather than me go on and on about my takes on what such-and-such might mean.